October is #ADHDAwarenessMonth, and as someone who was diagnosed late, a lot of my time has been looking at my past and how ADHD manifested itself even when I was unaware that I had it..

Growing up, I was generally a good performer in school - I was able to maintain a B-average even though I knew I was capable of getting As.
But back then, we just thought I was a naughty kid, almost every report card talked about my tendency to daydream and untapped potential.

Basically, we all thought it was something I would outgrow. And in high school, I really had the most supportive friends - we all had our struggles, but we built strong support systems around each other that, among other things, helped with studying and general academics..

.. so again, I took the expression of my ADHD as life things that I would grow out of.

But when I got to Uni, that's when shit hit the proverbial fan; I was finding it extremely hard to remain motivated, struggling with a level of procrastination that I had never seen before,

.. and I was convinced that it was a moral or willpower issue. I mean, all my friends seemed to have moved past that phase, so I must be stuck because I'm just doing it wrong. I became convinced that I was just a fuck - up, and I needed to get my shit together ASAP.

And I just couldn't.
It made me more painfully aware that I was different from other people, that there was something wrong with my brain, but at that time, it had to be my own doing.
I was lazy, couldn't live up to my potential, and all those other things my teachers branded me.

Regulating my emotions was a rumor; I just used to pack that shit down and hope that they wouldn't all erupt (spoiler alert: they did).
I did what many neurodiverse people try to - squeeze myself into the box that was acceptable - and became intolerant of feelings and thoughts..

.. that I should have been paying more attention to, but that I had been socialized to suppress.

Finding out I have ADHD was such an illuminating moment; I finally had a name for the things I would experience and I finally found a community that gets me.

I realised that I don't have to beat myself into that box that society deems acceptable; that I have some strengths and weaknesses thanks to my ADHD, but that I can learn coping skills, and be gentle with myself, and reframe my idea of success knowing what I know now.

That growing understanding of who I am and what I need is something I wish for everyone in this life; I would be completely lost without it!