I realize more keenly than ever today that despite being English speaker& having fancy useless cultural job,I’m looked at differently in company of my non-English aide.i was mistaken at testing site for her daughter & her Chinese speaking granddaughter mistaken for my daughter1/2

My indignity at being dismissed too is a luxury, I realize. It comes from recognition that we deserve better. But what of my aide&mom who have lived with this as defining reality of America,that ingrained unease that they are only worth the condescension in their compatriots eyes

When man was screaming “fucking chink” at me on the train, I looked not at him but the full subway full of frozen faces.Perhaps it wasnt worth it for them to get involved w a subway troublemaker maybe they were in their heads. But part of me thought do they think Im a chink too?

And most heartbreakingly,when I was being bounced btw testing site rep & MyChart rep for hours,I felt most bad for aides 4yo grandkid bored & sad& cranky. But when I apologized to the little girl for making her wait,aide remarked “its good for her to know what American life is”

That single earnest appraisal by my aide made me want to weep harder than anything that happened in this grim, hopeless day. This shouldn’t be what American life is like, for anyone, least of all a 4yo bilingual immigrant girl for whom life is still blazing bright w possibility.