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This is going to be the last thread of the day.
Depression sucks. Depression sucks especially if you're suffering from PMDD. And the thing about depression, especially if you are a Black woman, is the most dangerous thing it does is leave you vulnerable. It strips your guards.
Depression sucks. Depression sucks especially if you're suffering from PMDD. And the thing about depression, especially if you are a Black woman, is the most dangerous thing it does is leave you vulnerable. It strips your guards.
I haven't had my period in 8 weeks. Let me explain why I am not okay, why I am not emotionally safe even as I type this.
With PMDD and a normal-ish cycle, I could expect to experience PMS to the 10th power a week before my period and/or during.
With PMDD and a normal-ish cycle, I could expect to experience PMS to the 10th power a week before my period and/or during.
When I say to the 10 power, I mean, you know how you cry or just have the uber sads and it's logically not rational?
Or how you're irritable.
Those uber sads can be, "I should die. No one would care. Or notice."
Or how you're irritable.
Those uber sads can be, "I should die. No one would care. Or notice."
That irritation is pure, unadulterated rage.
It really is the difference of being misty-eyed and sobbing like someone has died.
And it's just worse bc it feels unhinged and there's nothing, NOTHING, you can do to stave it off.
It really is the difference of being misty-eyed and sobbing like someone has died.
And it's just worse bc it feels unhinged and there's nothing, NOTHING, you can do to stave it off.
The somewhat saving grace is the little voice in the back of your mind going, "So, hey, it's around that time again."
But if you have a period that is irregular...
But if you have a period that is irregular...
And given *gestures to the world* I get from day to day by shutting off a part of myself. I slide by the anti-Blackness bc if I stop and really, really take it in there goes my whole damn day.
If I let my guard down for any moment, someone I consider an ally will do harm.
If I let my guard down for any moment, someone I consider an ally will do harm.
They will do it, thoughtlessly, and it will hit me unawares and devastate me.
But if my guards are in place, it hits the guard instead.
But if my guards are in place, it hits the guard instead.
Unless I am in a depression spiral. And all my guards are busy just reminding myself everything will be okay. This is just low dip. Feed yourself. Feed your baby. Shower. Laugh when something penetrates through and it's funny.
You don't want to die. People love you.
You don't want to die. People love you.
I'm not okay. This thread is...me being this raw and honest is all I have the spoons for. I don't know what else will help. I can't tell you. I don't know what I need. I don't know what will help.
I just know I'm not okay.
I just know I'm not okay.
I can only be grateful that some part of me knows that. Some part of me knows I can't check out. I have to check in.
