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Tonight I've been spinning various plates: helping my daughter with her online Brownies & collecting my son from his Kung Fu club happening in a hall near our home
Now that's done, let me tell you the story of me answering God's call to ordination. Sorry it's another long one!
Now that's done, let me tell you the story of me answering God's call to ordination. Sorry it's another long one!
If you read my mammoth thread on Monday about my coming to faith, you might remember that I was at Bath Abbey at the time - 14th December 1998. The date is a clue to how slow I can be on the uptake & how making assumptions doesn't help!
I was at Bath Abbey for about 3 years before God moved me on.
An important thing to note about my time at Bath Abbey was that after the evening service I attended I would end up going for a drink with friends: a vicar, a verger, a school chaplain & someone exploring ordination.
An important thing to note about my time at Bath Abbey was that after the evening service I attended I would end up going for a drink with friends: a vicar, a verger, a school chaplain & someone exploring ordination.
At that time I was new to the Christian faith & it was in our evenings in the pub that the first hints that I was being called to ordination began -bec ause I was amongst church focused people I assumed that those thoughts were simply a natural extension of our conversations.
I assumed (you'll probably laugh now - I do!) that all Christians wanted to be ordained. You see I didn't know anyone else, I was used to being anonymous and on my own so these people were my only social reference point.
As I was nothing like my new friends or any leader I knew, church or otherwise, I assumed I couldn't be being called into leadership - how could someone who lived his life silent and unseen stand up in front of people and lead them? I had no confidence in me or my personality.
So I dismissed the sense of calling as nothing special to me, and one that I could never match up to.
I then spent the next 15 years searching for what God wanted me to do.
God has been very patient with me.
I then spent the next 15 years searching for what God wanted me to do.
God has been very patient with me.
In the 15 years I spent as much of my available holidays from work as possible going on short-term missions, most to refugees in Eastern Europe - it seemed as though God was calling me closer and closer to my Father's homeland of the Ukraine.
I also searched for what job I should be doing, and never found the right thing so went from contract to contract.
Every so often I'd feel a sense of calling to ordination but would always dismiss it - I was nothing special and nothing like a leader.
Every so often I'd feel a sense of calling to ordination but would always dismiss it - I was nothing special and nothing like a leader.
I fell in love, got married and with my wife prayed for what we should be doing individually & collectively. Ordination came up (so my wife reminds me!) but I dismissed it for similar reasons to before. I decided to test if teaching was what God was calling me into - he wasn't.
Either my wife or I needed a job more suited to family life than we had. My wife's career was established so I gave up teaching to care for our children.
Every thing I had tried in my search had failed. I was lost again.
Every thing I had tried in my search had failed. I was lost again.
At the time I was doing a lot of 10km fun runs so was often out running once my wife was home and able to look after the children.
I spent a lot of my time praying, or rather talking to God, as I ran. I wasn't very good at listening to Him - that is blindingly obvious to me now!
I spent a lot of my time praying, or rather talking to God, as I ran. I wasn't very good at listening to Him - that is blindingly obvious to me now!
On a run I was crossing a road to run past a couple of churches and started praying for them and their congregations when I heard a voice over the top of mine.
"I want you to explore ordination. No pressure, just look at it".
"I want you to explore ordination. No pressure, just look at it".
A week earlier I had told my wife I'd never retrain for another career again. I spent the rest of the run wondering how I could tell her I might need to retrain for a different job again?
I got home, told her. She laughed & said "I wondered when you were going to tell me that!"
I got home, told her. She laughed & said "I wondered when you were going to tell me that!"
First I spoke to a friend who had become a priest. They had had a really tough time with it. Then my wife & I went on a @CPASnews Vocations weekend together to find out more about ordination. On the drive home we agreed I'd speak to our vicar and make the search public & official
And so began the official discernment towards ordination.
I blogged my way, anonymously, through that discernment journey, you can read the blog posts via http://wp.me/P3xRWM-fa
I blogged my way, anonymously, through that discernment journey, you can read the blog posts via http://wp.me/P3xRWM-fa
For a while I felt I must have wasted those 15 years by dismissing God's call, but came to see that those years were being used for different purposes and for preparing me to be the person God knew was needed to be ordained.
The discernment was a rollercoaster, with plenty of highs but some very brutal lows. I'd committed to tell the story in my blog warts and all, and so I did - I could only have done that anonymously. But thankfully telling the story like that has been helpful to others.
I'll be brief on the rest as this thread is another long 1 and you can read the details in my blog if you want to.
After my vicar I saw a Vocations Chaplain, ironically on the same road as 1 of my curacy churches!
After my vicar I saw a Vocations Chaplain, ironically on the same road as 1 of my curacy churches!
After the Vocations Chaplain I saw a Diocesan Director of Ordinands (DD0) - she was brilliant, I loved our meetings! A year after officially beginning the process I was sent to a Bishops' Advisory Panel (BAP)... I crashed & burned.
The report not recommending me for ordination training was horrendous & did a lot of damage - they call it "not being recommended" but the way it was done was essentially a rejection. I &crucially many others, had been convinced we had found God's purpose for me. I was devastated
My diocese kept in contact with me. Occasionally I would meet a DDO again. Occasionally I would try to give up but the DDO wouldn't let me & insisted I kept seeing him until I was clear what had happened, why & what God wanted done next.
Everyone but me, including my wife, was convinced I should go to a second BAP. I resisted until the day the paperwork had to be submitted. I went to the BAP knowing I was better prepared but expecting, even hoping, I wouldn't be recommended for ordination training.
Everything that could go wrong at the BAP did go wrong. I was late for a meal. I burst into tears as soon as my 1st interview began. My normally silent phone rang in another meeting. I fell & badly cut myself.
I consoled myself by seeing my 1st DDO who lived near the BAP centre.
I consoled myself by seeing my 1st DDO who lived near the BAP centre.
A week later my wife passed me the phone - it was my DDO. My family stared at me hoping for a clue. I heard the DDO day I had been recommended, I gave the family the thumbs up & when the call ended they took me out to celebrate.
I didn't believe it until I saw it in writing.
I didn't believe it until I saw it in writing.
The discernment process, from unofficially exploring it to being recommended took 4 years, 3 DDOs, 2 BAPs and a partridge in a pear tree.
The journey was, at times, brutal & took it's toll on me & my family but it was also full of blessings & helped transform me for the better.
The journey was, at times, brutal & took it's toll on me & my family but it was also full of blessings & helped transform me for the better.
Ordination training was similar. I purposely explored the dark areas of life, mine included, as I know I'm called to help people on the margins and in the shadows like I have spent much of my life. That wasn't easy so I got counselling to help me.
That'll do for my journey to ordination. Sorry it's another long 1 but even in summary I believe it is important that anyone thinking of exploring ordination goes into it with their eyes open. I'm also passionate that the leaders we see aren't necessarily the leaders we should be
If you feel like God might be calling you to ordination then explore it, whether you think you could be a church leader or not. But seek peace in both being recommended and also in not being recommended to train for ordination, you might fulfil God's will better not ordained.
