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Once at a rope con I went to an intro class & we were doing some kind of exercise I& #39;ve since forgotten, and I was practicing using a very loose single column on my friend& #39;s upper arm. (a kink education thread)
The presenter was making rounds to offer tips, & as he came by I asked for help, because I was feeling a bit lost. Instead of helping, he scolded me because "you never put rope on the upper arm." He didn& #39;t shout, but it was loud enough that I felt everyone& #39;s eyes on me.
The exercise had nothing to do with single column ties. That& #39;s just what I was practicing I waited for my turn to ask for his help. I no longer remember the exercise or the question I asked, but I clearly remember "you never put rope on the upper arm" and that feeling of shame.
I& #39;ve since learned enough about rope to guess at what this dude might have been trying to tell me, but he was an ass about it and explained nothing. The above quote was all I got for how what I was doing (practicing a single column loose enough to fit my hand through) was wrong.
Maybe he was just a mansplainy jerk that needed to lord over his classdom, in which case fuck him. But I& #39;m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, and say he was trying to teach me something. Unfortunately, he mostly taught me to be afraid of rope classes and tying arms.
I was brand new to rope at the time, and clearly did not know enough to be in that class, despite it being labeled as open to all skill levels. Instead of helping me understand how to minimize the risk of nerve damage, he chose to patronize me.
For at least a year after I would only do rope in private, because I was embarrassed and confused. I would see harnesses with rope wrapped around the upper arms of people in suspension, and remember this guy& #39;s condescending "you never put rope on the upper arm."
Supportive friends and partners got me back into rope, and yet those words are seared into my memory, and I still don& #39;t tie often in public.
As a kinkster I try to leave that experience behind so it won& #39;t detract from my enjoyment of rope.
As a presenter, I try to keep that experience with me, to remember what it felt like to be new and curious and shamed by a teacher.
As a presenter, I try to keep that experience with me, to remember what it felt like to be new and curious and shamed by a teacher.
We educators must remember that there are no stupid questions. If someone feels ashamed to ask something, then we have created an environment that shames them.
Even if you see someone doing something that you think is dangerous or reckless, you won& #39;t help anything by scolding or patronizing.
Instead try this:
1. Ask what they& #39;re doing and why to find out what they were going for in the first place.
2. Applaud their attempt while also explaining your concerns with their technique.
3. Offer alternatives along with your reasoning behind making those changes.
1. Ask what they& #39;re doing and why to find out what they were going for in the first place.
2. Applaud their attempt while also explaining your concerns with their technique.
3. Offer alternatives along with your reasoning behind making those changes.
The topic of hands-on activities at kink classes is something I& #39;m not going to discuss exhaustively here, but it& #39;s worth noting that they can be challenging to moderate well. It& #39;s harder than it looks.
Even so, IMHO presenters have the responsibility not only to ensure safety of participants, but also to foster enthusiasm for trying out new techniques. That is, after all, the point of hands-on: to try it yourself!
It& #39;s ok to make mistakes so long as we learn from them... but this sort of behavior in kink makes people terrified of any mistake, no matter how small. People who hide their little mistakes won& #39;t learn from them, and are more likely to become truly dangerous.
We are not perfect, and if we want to create a world in which experimentation, learning, and improvement are truly valued, then we must encourage those little mistakes that let us learn enough that we don& #39;t make really big ones.
So next time you& #39;re teaching a class or supervising a practice, and someone does something that concerns you, encourage their intent to learn, open up a dialogue, and turn it into a teachable moment.
