I want to talk about talking about pregnancy loss so this is a chance to mute me if you’re not up to hearing this

Our first baby was stillborn when I was just over 7 months pregnant. It was a long time ago and it was sad and hard and I’m okay. Some things made it much harder and the main one was the feeling that people don’t want to hear about it

And, y’know, it’s a mood kill so who can really blame them BUT it makes you die a little more inside when you can’t talk about this massive thing that happened to you because you don’t want to make people feel awkward.

An example:

When, some years later, I was pregnant with Isaac, I went to an ante-natal class thing which was aqua fit followed by a Pilates class. We all bounced about in the water, got dried and then trooped over to the other building for Pilates with the same instructor

The first time I went I was totally unprepared for the introductions at the start of the Pilates class where we were asked to give our name, say if it was our first pregnancy and some random question of the week. I sat there with mounting horror as it crept round to me

Everyone said either it was their first pregnancy, or occasionally that they had an older child of x age. How was I going to blurt my sadness all over these nice people? But how was I going to lie? Anyway, I lied. I said it was my first pregnancy and went home and cried for 2 hrs

I was so angry at myself for lying and so annoyed with the class instructor for asking such a stupid question. I decided I wasn’t doing it again. The next week I took a deep breath and got myself in a position to be the first person asked

When she asked I said “I’m Gail, I’m x weeks pregnant and this is my second pregnancy, my first baby was stillborn a few years ago” and whatever the question of the week was.

As the people who followed answered, at least 1/3 rd of the class disclosed previous pregnancies they hadn’t mentioned before. Miscarriages, still births, a massive wave of sad stories. Including, incidentally, the instructor!

One woman told us it was her 6th pregnancy after 5 miscarriages. (She went on to have a lovely healthy baby.)

All those people who had been sitting there thinking they should keep their stories to themselves, that other people might not want to hear them.

And we do this and we perpetuate it. Like it’s some secret sad club when in fact it’s a huge club that so many of us are in.

Anyway, she stopped asking everyone if it was their first pregnancy at the start of the class after that. I count that as a success.

I still harbour resentment towards her, not for that but for incessantly telling me to relax my shoulders while I shouted THAT IS AS MUCH AS THEY RELAX at her. I was not a natural at Pilates

Chrissy Teigen is a boss and I wish nothing but good things for her. Solidarity with everyone feeling sad about the babies we didn’t get to keep today and every day