alright it's almost midnight and i have a deadline for tomorrow, but you know what i'm doing? i'm taking one for the team (all of us) and reading this:

it cost me a free 30 day subscription to Kindle Unlimited so someone remind me to cancel that before i have to pay $9.99 a month.

okay right off the top i'm going to say that lockdown did not go well for the author.

my friends, i just -----

now i'm not much of a scientist myself, but i am pretty sure you're NOT supposed to 'bate in the lap while ur handling a the roni samples BUT hey what do i know. get it alexa.

anyway, SOMETHING was described as being so erm... wet... that something else glided like a "fat man on waterslide" and well that's going to haunt me until my dying days.

okay lockdown was REALLY rough on our girl

at first i thought this might have been written by a 12 year old boy, but it's definitely written by a woman. there's two paragraphs dedicated to how much her boss ignores her ideas.

she ran the COVID-19 samples through the sampleometer, @science.

what.................. does it sound like?

anyway this is why we should all be listening to bonnie henry

"they call me - 19,
COVID-19"

it's truly a 2020 curse that lead me to reading a pandemic fanfic about a scientist boning a humanoid coronavirus. was it funny? yes. was the author serious? i hope not. do i have a great need to do a dramatic reading of this to anyone that will listen? yes.

for the low low price of a free 30 day subscription, you too can experience all the passionate lab love making that COVID apparently has to offer. you'll also learn such lovely euphemisms such as:

- pocket of ecstasy
- love lotion
- hot man-dog

this was still a better read than Infinite Jest.

ethically, i am concerned about this author.
morally, i am concerned about this story.
spiritually, i am damaged from this.
emotionally, i am numb.

i am assuming MJ Edwards is a pseudonym, but i NEED to talk to this person. i will keep all traces of your identity confidential, i just have A LOT of questions to ask you. like this is dark my dude, are you ok? please email me at [email protected]. i need to talk to you.

anyway, please don't hate me for reading this ethically questionable piece of literature. i will never sleep peacefully again knowing that someone wrote a COVID-19 spicy fanfic. if we meet again in person after the vaccine and i seem withdrawn and troubled, it's because of this.

goodnight

plot twist of the century:

i am going to email him tomorrow, i need an explanation.