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I’ve spent a long time protecting people around miscarriage, but let me say now— no names attached— what happened to me. In April of 2014, I met with my then-chair to talk about going up for tenure. I was 9 weeks pregnant. I had had A LOT of miscarriages in the previous 2 years.
I asked him what my options were for taking leave— I was due around October, when my materials would also be due, and I was worried I wouldn’t make the deadline. I had a book in contract, but wouldn’t get proofs back in time. O had had a lot of miscarriages, which made me wary.
He told me, and the incoming chair backed him up, that it would look bad to take medical leave so close to tenure. Because of another colleague who had extended his clock for legitimate medical needs—and never finished his book.
I understood, so I took that meeting into my mental calendar. Three weeks later, at a routine ultrasound, we couldn’t find the heartbeat. The baby had died. My husband came to get me, and we went to the beach to drink (two cocktails) and talk. We got home and I called the chair.
Oh wait, no, I emailed the chair. I have the email. He told me he couldn’t stop the clock, though he understood the pain, and I should take time away from campus if I needed to (I wasn’t teaching, so it was ad hoc).
I believed him. I told him I had had multiple miscarriages, that I was in the process of dealing with another one, and my materials were due on October, and I BELIEVED HIM.
I didn’t ask for leave. I grieved. I didn’t work again until September. Nothing. I couldn’t do my own work, I barely responded to grad and thesis students. I rushed to get my materials together, to meet my book contract deadline, and then....
My god, I got pregnant again. I was pregnant the whole time this was happening. My department forwarded my case positively to the deans, the dean then turned it down. Here is where everything goes truly off the rails.
I appealed the decision. I looked at the law (don’t be like me: look at every legal statute for leave before you start TT). You MUST allow people to take FMLA if they request it. I looked at procedure (again: learn from my error!), the clock could be stopped b4 official Notice).
My official notice was JUNE. *after* I asked my chair for leave. He broke both law and procedure telling me not to take leave. HOWEVER, he was trying to “help” me! I respect him, and I felt like he was looking out for me, but he advised me poorly.
The provost accepted my appeal! I by that point had a baby and a new book out. I wrote a fucking keynote about dickens and KANTOROWICZ (for god’s sake) while NURSING a newborn. I gave the talk the day my baby turned six weeks old. I got a fellowship, I started a new book.
The same Dean was in charge. They had to reconsider my case. He asked for the materials the week (THE WEEK!) before I started the oxford fellowship (to do research for the new book), and exactly two months after my mat leave/disability ended.
None of this. NONE OF THIS. Made it into the case file. According to the associate dean, they had to be fair— so they couldn’t explain any mat leave or disability leaves to maintain fairness. So, the same dean decided that my case wasn’t supportable because— get this—
My new project wasn’t developed enough. I handed over 100 pages of that project. Despite being in the BEGINNING stages of research. I now have about 300 pages, but I’m not an academic anymore! So!
If you’re wondering about how professional life handles miscarriage and fertility: not very well!
I didn’t end up getting a letter to sue because...my case was denied when I was in the middle of a second much higher risk viable pregnancy. And then I had a preemie, totally shot mental health, and 1,000,000 doctor appointments. It didn’t seem worth it! So, I left, felt ashamed.
And now I look *crazy* on paper: I have a book, no job. The book is the thing, so when you have a book and no job: you’re suspect! I think I was a good colleague, a very good teacher, but I doubt I will try to work in academia again: it just screwed me up so much!
And also, in case you are wondering: people who have repeated miscarriages can experience severe ppd and ppa: I had so much trauma in my body, I lost my mind briefly! It was terrifying. I’m lucky I have support and a wonderful family.
Not really mad at my department. Annoyed by fecklessness and lack of communication, maybe. But definitely still mad at the dean who got to decide twice to can me.
One last point: I had taken a medical leave before, when I herniated a disc, but I still was asked to do marking and sit on a search committee. So I also knew how “leave” was managed internally!
(Badly)
(Still think my horrifying pregnancies were partly due to stress. I KNOW the miscarriages were).
