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Ive been debating with myself for a while whether to speak out about the things that I’ve endured. I’ve thought about it a lot & after hearing similar stories from other women, one story can be life changing. I’ve been threatened & intimated to stay silent, but I won’t.
I always used to discuss issues that women face in abusive relationships. I used to wonder why they don’t come forward/ speak up/leave. I wondered why they continue to try to make things work. I thought of myself as strong & independent & would never tolerate anything like this
I was wrong. At first it didn’t occur to me what was happening. I was always made to feel like everything was my fault, his anger, the anger he inflicted onto me, the humiliation I constantly received from his family, being told I wasn’t good enough, that it was all my fault.
I made myself believe I deserved this as I was constantly told by my ex husband & his family. It wasn’t until I left the situation that everything pieced together. The insults, the name calling, the fact I would let his family insult me. The fact he never stood up for me.
The fact I went to his mother & told her the way he was towards me for me to be told it was my fault. The way everybody was silent when it got physical. The way I gradually believed maybe this is what it’s like.
I endured the insults & being told I wasn’t good enough, I endured being told I was ugly day in day out & being told he wishes he had someone better. I endured his mother telling me I wasn’t good enough for her family, I endured it all. Looking back I can’t believe that was me.
Why? Because the cultural norm of “the first year is always the hardest” or “the women has to work harder to keep the marriage going”. All these thoughts clouded my mind. I couldn’t even see that the one thing that makes a marriage work was missing. Respect.
There was no respect. And being in that situation I couldn’t even see it. I would be told a good wife would support her husband. Transfer him money day in day out, be made to pay for my own food when we went out, pay for everything in our flat, pay for the car that we had.
Yet if I complained his mother would always tell me “his only responsibility is to put a roof over your head, anything else is a luxury”. I just felt broken and deceived. All the emotional and mental abuse day in day became a norm.
The naivety in me thought people can learn & change. Wrong yet again.The reason I’m voicing this is because I made the mistake of constantly telling myself “nobody is perfect”&”people can change”. That there’s good in everyone. Little did I know there was no intention of change.
And the worst part was those who enabled that behaviour. I was rude & disrespectful for standing up for myself when he was abusing me and insulting me, for me having the audacity to even answer back. Being I have to gain love and respect. That’s not what I was taught?
He tried to control when I could see my family & friends. That I should only see them once a month & if he didn’t want me to I had to respect that. He tried to control almost every aspect of my life. And it’s not until I left that situation that I realised the severity of it all.
I was actually relieved when my parents came to get me. My only regret is the fact I didn’t leave sooner. The fact that I respected him & his family too much that I didn’t even question where my own respect was. I did everything I could to earn “respect” while comprising my own.
Their reputation was so much more important to them that they would rather cover abuse than try to eradicate it. Even now, my things were dumped outside my parents driveway. I wasn’t even allowed the respect of getting my own things. I didn’t think such jaahil people even existed
Everyone who has covered for him, enabled him & stood by him without accountability is complicit. When a women speaks up the community need multiple sources to verify the truth. Thankfully I had receipts. When its the other way around the man will be believed without hesitation
If anything, I want this to be an example to women who are going through abuse. Please don’t compromise your self worth for anyone. Please speak to someone you trust and please don’t ever let anyone threaten you into staying silent. There is so much help and support available.
No man will ever be worth comprising your self respect for. Love and respect should be mutual and you should be made to feel like you are the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Never settle & have faith that Allah swt will have something better waiting for you.
I know how difficult it was to actually come forward and speak about it. It’s incredibly scary. I will always be here to speak to ANYONE who needs someone to listen. I’m so lucky and incredibly grateful for my support network while recognising those who don’t have the same luck.