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2 weeks from today last year on the 17th, I was holding her hand as she trembled from fear at hukm. Overnight, her operation wound had burst and sprayed puss everywhere. I watched as the dr inserted a pair of forceps into her now gaping wound to determine how deep it was.
Half of the forceps were inserted before it finally hits a wall, when it was retracted, it was stained with blood and puss. When the dr told her she needs to be hospitalised, she glared at me and said “kau kata tak payah masuk hospital >:(“
I felt sorry, because I had lied to her. I lied for her sake so that she would want to go to the hospital. I remember waking up that morning on the 17th praying to god, “Please, if I had ever done ANY good deed at all, please cancel my tutorial this morning.”
My prayer was heard and I set out for KTM, heart in my throat, worry clawing my brain apart. The smile on her face when she saw me was worth the almost sleepless night, “Kau takde kelas ke?” I don’t have the heart to tell her that even if I do,
I wouldn’t miss this appointment on my life. I want to be there, and hold her hand because I know she’s scared, and she’s only there because I talked her into it.
I miss her. On nights like this I can’t help but remember her, her smile and her pure joy when she finds out I am home and will be the one taking care of her over the weekend. I thought I’m fine. I thought I can now finally think of her without shedding a single tear
Turns out I’m not so fine after all huh. Whenever I think of her despair and how alone she felt, the pain and discomfort she endured, I can’t stop crying. She’s so frail but she still endured everything from a major operation to a cpr until her final breath.
I love her so much. I wonder if she knows it? If she knows that I would go to hell and back for her? In my entire life, she never showed any affection towards me, and yet while she was sick, she patted my head and in the feverish state after she consumed morphine,
She told me she loved me. I wish I could turn back time and hug her every day, tell her that I love her. Alas, that is a wish that I will forever carry to the day I die, never to come true.
I’ll delete this thread tomorrow maybe, I just wanted to feel sad for a bit. I haven’t cried since the last time I dreamt of her because I promised her so. She hasn’t visited me in a long time though. Maybe that’s why I’m crying. I just miss her I guess.
