Spontaneous visualisations of me ripping another me's limbs off, me tearing open the belly of another me, me eating dark, almost black glistening pomegranate seeds I scoop up from there like pumpkin guts

The blood is thick, slow and black, sticky. Like cutting up a lizard

For my mastectomy I warned the surgery team I don't stop bleeding easily, so they injected the surgery site with anti-bleeding agents. I had tubes inside the scars to catch swelling fluids and blood, I expected a few hundred ml based on online research.

Nothing leaked out into the tubes. No blood, no fluid, I thought I would ooze and bleed and swell with tissue fluids. Nothing. It scared me more than gushing blood would have.

The doctor wanted me to stay for two nights, but I only stayed for one. We're done, you operated, I'm completed. Not even bleeding. Let me go

When I was 15 my periods dried up. 6 months, nothing. I was obsessed about virgin purity, so I knew I can't have an earthly pregnancy. Eventually went to see a doctor, who took blood tests and sent me to a gynecologist to figure it out

They couldn't ultrasound through my belly well enough, too much soft tissue. They had to use internal ultrasound, this big dildo of a probe and scan vaginally. It broke my hymen but I did not bleed

Girls are born with all the eggs they will ever develop into mature egg cells, they lay tiny, dormant, wait for their turn monthly, only a fraction of them ever have a chance of fertilization

Mine were in big engorged cysts, like seeds in a pomegranate, all visible in the scan

Persephone famously ate the pomegranate seeds in the underworld, and was stuck in hell for the winter months when the land is hostile to vegetation and crops

Stuck in a dead hell? Not really. Her husband Pluto, "wealth", the ruler of the underworld is not just the ruler over dead. He has the wealth of underground things. Ores, hidden treasures, the nutrient rich soil fed with decomposing bodies. This is where things grow, after winter

You sow bones and blood in your fields to reap your daily bread. Thinking otherwise is foolish.

In Saya no Uta the main character gets a brain injury which filters all good and beautiful in reality into filth and gore. The only light in his life is Saya, a beautiful delicate girl he meets. The one thing untarnished by his twisted sight

Our guy has great trouble with his brain damage. He's a medical student, knows better than to become a medical study case, doesn't tell anyone about how the world is a charnel ground for him. He can barely eat, everything is putrified corpses and vile dust in his mouth

Saya tries her best to support him, love him, cook for him, feed him, but all her best efforts are wasted, everything good is rendered repulsive.

But one day our medical student catches her eating something that smells delicious, looks strange but enticing, some exotic fruit

He immediately tries it. It's actually good! It's great! It's nourishing and sweet!

Later Saya reveals she is a Lovecraftian alien horror whose true appearence makes men mad on sight, and she eats humans she hunts, the fruit is just raw human flesh.

It's the only thing he can stomach. He's now tasted the forbidden pomegranate seeds and can't stand forcing himself to eat normal food anymore. Like a reverse Persephone, an evil Eve, Saya has brought an element of pleasure and joy back into his life, in this horrifying way.

Fruit and meat are the food of opportunistic hunter gatherers that wander around. I'm clawing open my entrails and finding dark shadow seeds to eat now, but should I be cultivating something in my body, within me?

Realising I'm picking and eating my scabs while reading through this thread to gather the core of it into an insight