So we have temporarily commandeered our own tv to watch the debate

I’m explaining to my kid why she can’t watch trolls world tour today and holy shit, my worldview translated by a seven year old raised on internet memes

Kid: what’s a debate

Me: joe Biden and Donald trump are going to pretend to have a grownup conversation

Kid: is that even possible? NANI?

Me: look it’s two old white guys kid, we’re mostly gonna watch them preen

Kid: so which of them is the karen

She’s seven

Off to a rocking start what with the mic not working, or possibly the control room simply not switching channels

Turns out the cat muted the tv

Tbh kinda highly recommend just watching this with no sound, it was far superior

Is this more or less sad than the cardboard people in sports arena stands

Omg this format won’t last longer Than ten minutes

15 tops

Hey so remind me who the youth candidate is

Supreme Court now!

Wallace: so the parties keep not wanting election year scotus noms, please explain partisan fuckery and why you’re right this time?

Y’all I’m gonna say this, it is actually (utterly) counterintuitively *worse* to be not able to see this, at least there’s a caricature with the whole picture

Just listening is jabberwocky shit

Trump, I mean.

Biden is just out here trying his damnedest to pretend this is an actual presidential debate

Dude is properly pivoting and answering the question and rambling like any normal cycle

Trump breaks into the UFC match like he’s a WWE star

Trump is talking about extinguishing people with health care? It might be one of his better esoteric Freudian slips

Trump now accusing Biden of killing “380 million military people” by not giving them health care

Biden counters with Roe v Wade?

Who had 15 minutes as when the shitshow went off the rails

Question two! Neither candidate can listen to the entire question

Wallace asks why trump hasn’t got a good plan to replace the ACA and what is the trump health care plan

“Insulin, it was destroying families because of the cost. I lowered the prices and now it’s like water”

Not a direct quote cause I missed some extras, but Trump, because sure

Biden reminds us all that his public option plan is kinda soft,

Biden and wallace now just sort of doing that thing where you and the other dude at the bar look at each other sympathetically when you’re trying to help a drunk stranger

Wallace now practically begging trump to abide by the rules like he’s a dad with a toddler in a grocery store just trying to get three more minutes before the tired tantrum

Wallace asking Biden if he’d end the filibuster or pack the court

Biden: PEOPLE, GO VOTE

Biden to trump: “will you shut up, man”

COVID now! Wallace adds “let’s try to be serious about it”

This poor man, his tone, I never ever thought I would respect wallace this much on parent level

Wallace to Biden: two minutes uninterrupted

Biden to wallace: good luck. *begins answer*

You know the usual debate bingo is words

This is legit everyone get out their stopwatch and see how many minutes and seconds trump can keep quiet for

Biden is being Biden and trump is being trump so there’s nothing to really talk about here, best commentary would be done like it was boxing or hockey

Trump is now claiming that a vaccine would be here more quickly except for its political because joe Biden

Trump to Biden: “don’t ever say the word smart to me”

Trump now talking about masks, insinuating Biden is scared because he wears a mask? Often?

Wallace asking about campaign styles what with the rallies and the plague

Trump talking about his crowd size, saying his rallies haven’t spread COVID at all

Hilariously apparently nobody remembers the rose garden ans the RNC?

Anyway the economy now!

Wallace asks what’s the difference between trump’s v shaped economy and Biden’s k shaped economy, trump immediately blames China for everything and particularly Democrat governors for “drugs, alcohol, depression” and those three actually correlate to his election as well

Biden now talking about economic inequality

It’s honestly a sad day when joe Biden is the one on stage you can count on to not say some weird shit

Wallace now trying an authoritative tone about how everyone got the SAME AMOUNT OF CANDY, FOR GODS SAKE to get trump to follow the rules

Wallace now asking trump about the tax thing

Trump word salading about how he paid millions and we’ll get to see it and also he doesn’t want to pay taxes, and also the only reason he got tax breaks is Biden and Obama

Dear lord

Biden to trump, just bored now: you’re the worst president we’ve ever had

Wallace, increasingly desperate, to Biden: look you have a tax plan, for all of our sakes please let’s talk tax codes

Wallace to trump: jobs numbers!

Trump: Obama sucks, something about turning on the lights? Also corporations will leave under Biden

Biden: do you not remember 2008?

Trump now claiming that Michigan and Ohio just had the best years they’ve ever had

Biden just says “no they’re not”

Trump now spewing hunter biden theories

Wallace now pleading, mr president

This is 100% when you’ve got friends over and your kid is gonna show off and you’re trying not to threaten them in front of company but you absolutely are shooting daggers from the eyes

Biden: “well it’s hard to get any words in with this clown. I mean this person.”

Trump, well can I be honest?

Wallace: no. No. The answer to the question is no.

Someone get me a super cut of Chris wallace just begging trump to please shut the fuck up for two. Minutes. Just two.

Charlottesville protests and white supremacy now!

Biden talking about Lafayette square and racial disparities in health care

Trump: the crime bill sucked and I’m letting black people out of jail and also fuck Lafayette square because cops love me

Trump now saying Biden won’t say “law enforcement”

I have no comment on law enforcement in Minneapolis

Joe Biden out here with the bad apples metaphor about police because he also doesn’t understand how apples work

Wallace: so why cancel racial sensitivity training and also does racism exist

Trump: racial sensitivity training is racist, so THERE

Biden: yeah, he’s the racist. *carries on*

Trump just said racist violence was worse under Obama

Law and order now!

Trump goes to Chicago first

Joe Biden: “I was RAISED in the suburbs.”

This is probably the most pointed Biden will be about race tbh

Biden out with a strong defense for cops and also sending shrinks out on calls?

Gotta love someone trying desperately to figure out how to muddle through

Oh amazing, protests now!

Wallace to Biden: have you ever told local dem leaders to call in the guard

Biden: I’m not actually in office now?

Biden making the case for politeness, because violence helps trump

Wallace to trump: will you condemn white supremacist and militia groups

Trump:

Trump “proud boys stand down and stand back but I tell you what someone has to do something”

Honestly I never thought I’d see joe fucking Biden trying to explain antifascism

Autocorrect screwed me, it was not “stand back” https://twitter.com/sirgrim007/status/1311126950531006465

Biden talking about his kid’s service

Trump: “I don’t know beau, I know hunter”

Idk who told trump to go for Biden’s kid but Biden just went full hockey dad

Climate change now, what with 2020 generally and the west coast burning!

Trump would like a nice clean environment ans also nice businesses so fuck the Paris agreement

And the fires, it’s because of the messy forest floors with leaves and shit on them

Imagine being the person trying to explain drought underbrush to this dude and for years you just hear him talking about how without the messy forest floor there wouldn’t be fires

You know that movie trope where they humor someone by asking them planted simple questions and then everyone else plays at an average adult level

That’s this

To Trump: do you think science is good?
To Biden: okay so drilling down into your proposed budget and programs

Petition to pay all first grade teachers what Chris wallace has just been paid to do the same job

Trump now just yelling stupid bastards repeatedly? I think he’s saying Biden said it about the military?

Biden “can’t keep track of all his rankings.”
Wallace “I’m having a little bit of trouble myself”

Election integrity now!

How will you reassure people the election will be fair?

Biden: just vote

That previous was meant to be “rantings”

Biden cooly telling people it’s fine, there’s systems and such

This is your as clip for Biden

Trump now!

I’m pretty sure nobody has explained to him what “transition of power” is because he’s just yelling now

It’s honestly a superpower to be a teetotaler with a perfect impression of a drunk his age at a dive bar at 3pm

Wallace trying gamely to ask trump about mail in votes

Trump clearly still not aware of the states that have automatic mail in ballots

Biden now explaining absolutely basic electoral law about absentee postmark dates

Trump utterly confused

Wallace asks Biden to clarify because dear god please someone explain how this works real quickly

Wallace to both: will you wait to claim victory until the election is certified and calm your followers

Trump: LOLOL fuck you, also I don’t know how any of this works, and fuck you

Wallace, visibly restraining himself, to Biden, same question

Biden: yeah I do actually know how voting works, I do this for a living

Wallace trying desperately to keep his composure while he ends the debate