okay so, uh therapy... I went to my first ever therapy session- let's unpack that!

1- Arrival
first... I got lost. haha, good start Arlo! I was extremely anxious about this but they weren't angry at all, she (the therapist) even sympathised with me....

So, if you're ever running late or lost I really wouldn't sweat it- these things just happen and even if your anxiety says it's a big deal, it really isn't!

2- Settling in
She introduced herself, gave me a chance to give a different name if I preferred (i was too pussy). she ran through the questionnaires she sent me before the session (bog-standard, we've all seen them before online) and asked if I thought they were reflective...

It was personally a kick in the teeth to hear I have a high severity scores for "low mood, generalised anxiety and social phobia". Due to the severity of my symptoms and the fact I've had long term (years) of symptoms even with counselling...

she's suggesting I talk to my gp about psychiatric medication. She also immediately noticed my horrific perfectionism?? And that my mh gap year was an extremely smart choice.

3- Establishing the Coping skills I already use (the good, the bad and the ugly).
This was the hardest part for me- I used it to disclose the fact my GP told me I’m suffering from anorexia nervosa and my self-harm...

I spoke about how that in conjunction with walking and denial are my main coping skills and how I'm not really functioning. Turns out my therapist spent many years as an eating disorder specialist before transferring to high-intensity CBT...

and that she can help sort my referral if she needs to and that I shouldn’t be afraid to bring my ED up in treatment, even if it’s not the main focus of the sessions...

She also mentioned I would need day patient admission but that ed treatment is all about you and putting the work in because they can’t force you to eat or stay stable once you leave day patient, something I don’t think im capable of right now and sounds utterly terrifying).

4- Support networks
Next, we spoke about the support I receive outside of sessions- namely zero, haha.
She said my parents seem to have an older generational view of mental health- very uneducated with lots of stigma and denial.

5- Background history
We spoke about when my symptoms started- first the anxiety due to the bullying, social isolation and threatening behaviour from “caregivers” at school as well as the dysfunctional and neglectful homelife that created a backdrop of severe anxiety by age 7.

How my teenage years accidentally became an escalation (my first attempt was age 9) of ignored mental health issues until my academic failure and unbearable suicidal thoughts pushed me to seek help two years ago (haha waitlisted)...

I think she wanted an understanding of my “mental health journey” and how mh effects me holistically as a person- I would really recommend writing this down beforehand to get a timeline and honest evaluation of how your symptoms show in your daily life (and how you handle that).

6- Next steps
I will admit….she used the famous magic wand question…..
We agreed that the anxiety is acting like a catalyst for my other mental health conditions and that managing my anxiety will reduce my low mood spirals (as i'm not worrying myself into them)...

and will help me feel in control without restriction (and deal with the anxiety around food and exercise). She explained to me about how the therapeutic relationship (and CBT) works by me /coming/ to her with ideas and observations and then us working as a team to try...

and help me, help myself (basically that i have to do the work aha). She said it will be mostly focused on the here and now- that i will get homework (which i liked tbh, having something practical to work on). But I can review my aim or type of treatment at any time...

The nhs only gives six sessions at a time but she implied i will be needing more. I’m just waiting for her to email me the reading about GAD n keeping a worry journal for my first steps!!

7- Reflections
Hmmm honestly, she seemed really nice and i surprised myself with how easy it was once i got in that office with just the two of us. While I’m scared and exhausted i'm still going to try as best as i can and hopefully, this will really help my mental health....

I think talking to people in counselling and online (edtwt) really helped me be more open (although I could have been more honest in the risk assessment part… I’m trying though and that was so so so difficult for me)...

and gave me the skills to articulate and feel more comfortable expressing my feelings. Never in my life has someone been so frank with me about my thoughts ( i have a tendency to beat round the bush) irl and...

never want to make my “problems” seem like actual problems to other people, so I found it shocking and exposing to hear someone cut through my bs? I hear a lot of negatives about people going to therapy and obviously, that gives me anxieties but also guilt?...

that I had a positive first experience after everything else I've tried and all the waiting, that I'm the one that’s privileged to have a positive therapy experience, that I'm getting better when I don't deserve it when others are struggling without help.

okay! i think that's all i had to say, thank you for reading this far- I find writing, grammar and organising my thoughts really challenging so I hope the read isn't too unpleasant? I hope it was insightful to read what it's like to start actual therapy for the first time.