I had to travel for work and now I have a three hour ride back home. I’m very tired and stressed so there is only one thing to do: Read Kissing the Coronavirus.

Obviously the real uncomfy thing here is the eroticizing and romanticizing of an, um, deadly virus which has claimed many lives. Page 1 goes “the virus is like a devastating penis, yeah that’s the ticket.” #kissingthecoronasnark

I’ve thought about the devastation of the coronavirus a lot, you know, but never came close to comparing it to a pulsating, erect penis so maybe I’m doing better than I thought. #kissingthecoronasnark

You ever see something that convinces you someone is in the wrong profession? Like the secretary at Edward Cullen’s school who has constant lustful thoughts about a presumed child? Dr. Alexa Ashingtonford maybe went into science for the wrong reasons? #kissingthecoronasnark

This this is only like 16 pages so page one is like this is Dr. Someone, she thinks the coronavirus is sexy. Page two is like hey ever notice that a test tube is phallic?

#kissingthecoronasnark

CW: fatphobia

It’s clear the author is gunning for absurdity so I’m side-eyeing the pairing of masturbating with a test tube full of COVID with a fat man on a water slide. #kissingthecoronasnark

Our main character scientist is so isolation horny, she can’t focus on curing the virus. Or curing whatever sickness causes calling a penis a “man-dog” and a vagina a “pussy-bun.” #kissingthecoronasnark

Alexa says she has too much pride to fuck her ugly, short boss, but also her boss nearly caught her fucking a test tube of COVID? So I’m not sure I understand Alexa’s standards, but maybe that’s just me. #kissingthecoronasnark

I’ve learned that her boss’s real issue is that he has an ew mustache. And if you thought we were done comparing things to dicks, no. #kissingthecoronasnark

An editing note: this makes it seem like COVID has a beard, a big cock, is tall, handsome, and makes her wet, when I think COVID just makes her wet? I’m sure we can all see the difference and agree it barely matters in the face of “COVID makes her wet.” #kissingthecoronasnark

When you have to have science-y details in order to write a story about fucking a virus:

“Each sample came up positive and each matched up with the results they had previously obtained from other samples they had sampled.” #sample #kissingthecoronasnark

There was never going to be a way to make COVID-19 sound sexy to me, you know, as a baseline, but describing its effect on the main character as ovary-clashing was particularly ineffective. #kissingthecoronasnark

Again, if this is supposed to be ha ha absurd so funny, you got there with having ACTUAL SEX with the embodiment of a virus. I don’t also need to know you think fat people and crossed eyes are lol. #kissingthecoronasnark

Okay so I realize I jumped in assuming people knew what was going on so this is a Kindle thing that... obviously knows what it is: #kissingthecoronasnark

That’s all I knew when I was like lol let’s read it. CAN I TELL YOU the plot is that this epidemiologist injects himself with an assumed cure AND TURNS INTO CORONAVIRUS MAN???? #kissingthecoronasnark

A BELLOWING BELLOW? At least TRY. It’s 16 pages. You don’t even have to try for LONG. #kissingthecoronasnark

Who are you?
I don’t know.
Do you know who you are?
Yes.
#kissingthecoronasnark

I am concerned. #kissingthecoronasnark

I’m not even mad because this is virus porn, I’m mad at the lack of effort? #kissingthecoronasnark

Hey want to ruin kissing? Imagine tongues as microwaved fish! Also I included a bonus line about a mountain climber boob grab so people with boobs could cringe in solidarity. #kissingthecoronasnark

We went from boob grabs to two thrusts in the ass and calling his semen “love lotion” and then it was just over? She’s like “I think I’m in love with a virus.” Fade to black. #kissingthecoronasnark

For those asking wtf this is, this was in the description on Amazon: #kissingthecoronasnark

I’m not mad at the hustle. I mean do I think sex with a virus that is killing thousands is like THE way to get dollars? No. Am I mad homeperson is trying to get some dollars back from corona? Eh. #kissingthecoronasnark

THAT SAID, everyone thinks they can write smut and satire and they can’t. If you are gonna hustle this way, but some effort in, damn. And put some respect on good smut and good satire GOODBYE. #kissingthecoronasnark

The worst thing Kissing the Corona Virus made me think was “I could write this so much better.”

I’m going to go bathe in anti-bacterial and towel off with Lysol wipes.

More people are finding Kissing the Coronavirus, so I figured I'd answer some FAQ.

1. Is this satire? Almost certainly. I honestly can't believe the author was ever SERIOUS. However it isn't funny in a laugh with the satire way, but at a laugh at the satire way, ya know?

2. Wait, WTF, how did a man turn into coronavirus with... man parts?

WELL. The MC decided the cure she developed didn't have ENOUGH VIRUS and ADDED MORE. Her boss decided to test it on himself, but he was already infected with COVID. So... virus + more virus = ...fuckable virus

3. Was Covid hot??

You know it, my friend. The boss got tall and hot and muscular and his penis grew like three sizes, I'd imagine. Of course, Covid was hot.

Anyway, I can't imagine why I'm at all thinking about KISSING THE CORONAVIRUS this morning to avoid THE NEWS but I'll be here for questions all day. #kissingthecoronavirus