Love having an absolute anxiety panic crying freakout after a performance review because...
*checks notes*
I did more than I remembered doing and need to revise my paperwork to reflect this

This is how generalized anxiety disorder (combined with a paranoid upbringing) affects me. If I don't do something perfect the first time with no instructions, as soon as anyone has any advice my brain shuts down in fear of everything being taken away from me. 1/?

Part of me is literally convinced that I could get fired right now because they're going to find out that I don't do as much as they think I do. It's imposter syndrome combined with being raised for 24 years to think I was only worth what I could do without visible effort. 2/?

It's beginning to feel like a little crushing box of fear in my brain. Soon I'm going to feel completely overwhelmed by every single decision I have to make for the rest of the day. Aka an anxiety shutdown.

The healthiest way through this is by fighting it and doing things anyway. But my god it's like making a scared toddler sit on Santa's lap at the mall.

And I'm both the parent and the toddler simultaneously, while santa is my performance review.

So yeah. This has been "how generalized anxiety works for Mary" that nobody asked for

This thread has made me realize I really do need to find a therapist that works for me now, and I cannot handle it on my own anymore.

So...thanks for reading I guess. Time to make phone calls.