The Florida Virtual Curriculum, which my school is using, has replaced actual fairytales with godawful milquetoast versions that it’s nonetheless saying are fairytales and I am SCREAMING.

Come with me on a journey. Here is what they have done to Hansel and Gretel: a thread.

Hansel and Gretel, for reasons that I cannot begin to fathom, is now called JESSE AND KAYLEE.

No situating context, no abandonment in the woods by parents! Just, here is an edible house!

The house is edible, but a regular lady lives there, not a witch! And she’s baking apple pie; because MURIKA.

She’s not even a cannibal! She’s just some weird lady who wants to lock them indoors for some reason.

Oh. Oh, she wants them to bake. OH THE HORROR.

THEY JUST ASK TO GO GET FLOUR AND SHE LETS THEM GO, THIS MAKES NO SENSE AND I HATE EVERYTHING.

OH LOOK, A NICE NEAT MORAL THAT TOTALLY FITS THE “STORY” WE JUST “READ”.

I AM GOING TO FIND WHOEVER WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS ATROCITY AND SMACK THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A FISH

IT WOULD BE ONE THING TO SANITISE A FAIRYTALE BUT KEEP IT A FAIRYTALE, BUT THESE NEW VERSIONS *ARE NOT FAIRYTALES* AND THEY DON’T MAKE NARRATIVE SENSE. YOU CANNOT TEACH KIDS BASIC LITERARY ANALYSIS USING STORIES THIS BAD!

Dear @catvalente, @seananmcguire and @UrsulaV, please join me in SCREAMING INTO THE VOID at this crime against fairytales.