i'm gonna vomit out some feelings bc i've been watching the game assist video on bisexuality as a mechanic and while this is just tangentially related to bisexuality, i want to write it down??? (you should watch that video though) anyway:

as someone who, while labelling myself as sapphic, is roughly bisexual? basically? and nonbinary i feel like my gender fluctuates entirely based upon who i'm attracted to at the time. i'm comfortable in my majority fem-leaning nonbinary identity and being referred to as female

even if i don't identify as such, whenever i'm attracted to women or nonbinary people because it's all good and a nonbinary person will also, like, Get, my gender. at least, usually they do. but when i'm attracted to men? things get weird

right now i am attracted to a man. at least, i am presuming they are. in fact. i am attracted to a "man". there, bases covered. anyway. in this moment, and any time i have been attracted to men before, my gender takes a weird turn into dysphoria because i ? want to be a man also

i have explored my gender identity THOROUGHLY. i know i dont want to be a man. hell, being referred to as "he" in among us makes me feel a little ill. and yet, i want to be a man when i like men. i think something about it messes with me in that i do not want to be perceived as -

heterosexual in any way. i do not want my queerness removed, even to the strangers i may encounter, and so my nonbinary alignments shift to compensate. too, i don't want my partner to feel less queer (i dont date straight men, so they're almost always bi/pan) and i put that-

responsibility to maintain that perception of queerness onto myself, by a part of my brain deciding that if i want to date men, i must also be a man, so my boyfriend (?) can enjoy the feeling of being in a queer relationship without the underlying feeling of it ... not being.

yeah it's a lot of internalised biphobia, neither of us are any less bi for being attracted to, in my case a man, in theirs, a "woman" (diet woman. woman lite.) and yet i can't shake the feeling. nor are we any less overtly queer, we don't magically become het just bc we smooch.

and yet?????????????????????? its something i notice and struggle with every single time

anyway this thread is mostly a reminder to myself that it's ok to like men, i do not actually want to be a man, i am still queer no matter what, and that i'm sexy and cool