Thread by @gudejari, Another trans woman was found dead in an act of hate and [...]

Another trans woman was found dead in an act of hate and violence A person close to me said, almost reflexively, that it was partly her fault: she should have said upfront that she was trans, to prevent any feelings of betrayal. A thread.

TW: transphobia, murder, violence

It took me several tries to detangle why that made no sense. And why it was so dangerous. First I thought that was ridiculous in an almost legal sense. Why was the victim of a murder the one with more liability? But it wasn't convincing enough. 2/13

Then I told this friend that any "betrayal" or "lie of omission" will never be commensurate to the act of killing. Apples and oranges. Even IF she was remiss in not presenting all the facts, the excessive hate and retaliation is still the fault of the murderer. 3/13

And yet: "she should have done what she could to prevent the retaliation". Essentially. The same refrain for victims of sexual harassment, the same refrain for victims of domestic abuse. An echo of decades of struggle. 4/13

Third I was beginning to think of the initial suggestion of this friend. It seemed inherently discriminatory. The only way that would be fair would be for everyone to also declare their gender identity and history of sex reassignment surgery. 5/13

A universal discussion of genitals at first meeting. "Hi, I'm Jari, and I'm a cis bisexual woman."

Nice to meet you. 6/13

(I support the declaration of pronouns but that's a separate but related discussion to this thread.)

It sounded impossible. I'm not sure if my friend had any more thoughts on it. The conversation moved sideways. "It's easy to identify butch women, because they're clearly butch. But some transgender women just really look like women, and that's where the problem starts." 7/13

It was again a struggle to understand where they were coming from, where I was. Where the conversation was going. My world didn't really come with gendered clothing, just good or bad fashion sense. This was imagining a world where our genitals were at par with our name. 8/13

That's where I went next. It might not be easy for solidly heterosexual people to understand, but as a bisexual (pansexual) person, gender was secondary to literally everything else. I enter relationships based on values I like. And there was more to sex than genitalia. 9/13

(The way I couldn't meet their eyes while saying this...)

Awkward silence. More time for introspection. And, finally, a realization.

Everything we've talked about assumed rationality on the part of transphobic people. There isn't.

By definition, transphobia is irrational. 10/13

There is no reasonable way out of another's revulsion and intent to harm. It can never be an option for hate victims to change the minds of bigots. Likewise, allies can't coast by with the assumption that reasonable conversations can protect our trans brothers and sisters. 11/13

The scenario my friend was outlining was preposterous. Whether a trans person says it outright or "the truth" is found out in another way, a transphobic person can and will choose to cause harm. And we, as allies, can't choose to keep defending that. 12/13

"Tolerance of intolerance is cowardice." Ayaan Hirsi Ali. There can be no space for excuses.

This conversation was with my mom. Even then.

13/13

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