So the thing I'm intimating, the thing that is being suggested to me is - what if my whole disposition towards life has been corrupt/fake/wrongheaded/confused?
(thread obviously lol)
Fundamentally my FEELING is that I'm constantly at a minus, somehow. Like, I have problems, which make it that I'm at a minus and I have to run as fast as I can to try to solve them and reach a 0 where I will be able to finally rest.
But (without going into what a minus and a zero mean) you can imagine the reverse: what if this, right here right now, is zero? What if there's no problems, just opportunities? Just extra winning? Just opportunities to get positive?
Like it's kinda telling to me I've been fretting and fretting about not feeling like going to the gym when I've been going on and off for more than half my life and only yesterday for the first time ever did I even consider that maybe I don't wanna go bc i nailed all my goals.
Like... Just something about the whole framework seems wrong. Robin Hanson does the X isn't about X it's about Y thing right? I've been solving or trying to solve my problems alone but most people seem to request for the help of others. It feels like a bid for connection.
Even more bizarre to me is how my stress level varies strongly but predictably: I'm VERY stressed working monday, and relaxed all other days. I'm VERY stressed working during the day but as soon as night falls I relax.
It feels that once night falls I proved whatever I had to prove and I just become so chill. Almost as if stress were injected, generated, a strategy
Jus this pervasive feeling that there is something FUNDAMENTALLY wrong about how I’m living life or going about living life
(Heck, it makes me happy as hell to type this because at least I'm acknowledging it.) https://meditationstuff.wordpress.com/2014/01/25/anti-akrasia-checklist-and-techniques/
See the link above, he talks about living the wrong life. That's what it feels, that I'm living someone else's life, that I'm confused or faking it somehow. Like there is a me who loves voguing and a big buff strong gym me. I identify with the latter but am much more the forme
Like even this whole thing I'm doing NOW of acting rational is not ME - it's a personality I adopted, a shell - in response to a terrible injury in 2012 that got me depressed and that I couldn't work out. i adopted this in response. https://meditationstuff.wordpress.com/2019/08/03/david-deida-shell-layer-theory/
But even THAT personality, the weightlifter - and mind you i was very successful at it - was just something i adopted to respond to the trauma of being cut off from all my friends at 15 and being incredibly bullied.
I identify with both of them, and have for so long, but neither is ME, they're both SHELLS. Rival is much more ME: maniac, earnest, introspective, moody, self-obsessed.
It's telling I call Rival 'shadow'. Me got pushed into not me so I could adopt other personalities so I could survive. Being a powerless child sucks.
But even after and before these: when I was working with crypto I got *really* into it and that was generated and when I was competing in judo as a child - and I have great shame around this - I imagine my opponent had hurt my granny and it made me FURIOUS so I could beat them.
It feels like the only constant is
(1) adopting shells
(2) maxing them out and not recognising it lol
Deep, deep confusion about the self.
Life is good though, lol
Interesting above: what's zero and positive and negative? why can chill when get to zero only and what is chill precisely? what's this shell strategy? what's the shell generator?
Shells are interesting bc they both protect you AND ensure you'll feel disconnnected
everything gets subverted by Mind, right?
what if all these projects are fake?
what if they are all nothing but ways to stabilize
, we were talking about this recently)
really, what happens if you drop all your projects,?
And like, all of this shit is crossing in my mind
//you wan't freedom? i'll give you freedom. what will it cost? everything//
like, not to put you on the spot brother, but @seanmombo
had this thread yesterday that just really felt like he thought he SHOULD earn money but
didnt really feel the NEED to, like at a belief level, not a professed level
and like, i think, there's positive knowledge (i wanna do x) and negative knowledge (i don't wanna do y) and accepting the latter without the former, ESPECIALLY when you've been doing Y forever is SCARY
like, no, but really lol, what happens if you let go of all the shit you think you need to do? that you tell yourself you need to do? what if you let all of that burn away? you'll be free, you've always been free, but will you even be you anymore? who will that be?
//you are free, you've always been free//
of COURSE that all coercion is self-coercion, what else could it be? so you are both the jailor and the prisioner. it's terrible being either but at least the former has SOME power. even sadistic power is not total weakness
if you really let yourself go of that power, if you really accept yourself as the emaciated prisioner you've made yourself, can you make it? can you come back from them? can you summon the necessary elan vital? https://breakingsmart.substack.com/p/life-spirit-distillation
//you are free, you've always been free//
//the jailor is you, let go of the jail//
//this is the moment you've been waiting for//
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