FINE. Covid erotica, here we go.

The Coronavirus "made her heart beat furiously, like a wild tiger thrashing in its cage."

FROM ANXIETY, I HOPE.

"Alexa felt a rush of excitement every time she picked up the Corona sample, like a pulsating, erect penis, desperate to unleash its devastation on anyone who touched it."

We may have stumbled upon a new kink, folks.

"It had been so long since Alexa had been with a man that the virus was the only thing she could get near to which gave her any sort of thrill."

GET YOURSELF A DILDO ALEXA IT'S 2020

"The tickle in her knickers when she worked with the sample was the only sexual release she had experienced since the virus had unleashed hell and taken its hold on the world."

Alexa. I repeat. DILDO. VIBRATOR. SEX TOY OF YOUR PREFERENCE. TINGLY LUBE. ANYTHING BUT THIS.

"She took the test tube and shook it. The bubbling, creamy liquid sloshed against the inside of the tube. It fizzed up and Alexa swore she could feel the glass expanding. Swelling up and down as she shook the tube."

Wow, not even subtle.

"A shock of electricity coursed through her veins, eventually stopping as it reached her vagina. It was like she’d sat on a battery. Everything tingled and it felt good."

Ever sat on a live battery Alexa? I think not.

"Alexa pulled down her lab pants and pulled her panties to the side, her pussy so wet that the lace glided across her skin like a fat man on a water slide."

Alexa does not know what a pussy or a waterslide is supposed to feel like.

"...but after having been stuck in a lab with him for so long, so deprived of the feeling of a hot man-dog inside her lubricated pussy-bun.."

We have arrived at the worst food sex analogy known to man. Spoiler alert THERE ARE NO GOOD FOOD SEX ANALOGIES

"And so, Dr Gurtlychund became more determined. So determined, in fact, that he had stopped listening to reason, and because Alexa had huge boobies, a thicc ass and nice legs, he would sometimes overlook her."

What a lovely way to capture misogyny in science.

"She loved beards, and a moustache was only the start of a beard, like micropenises are just the start of real penises. You need the rest of it for it to be truly meaningful."

I...make of this what you will.

"If only he had a beard. And was taller and had a big cock and was handsome and made her wet. ​Like COVID-19."

SINCE WHEN DO BEARDS AND DEADLY VIRUSES EXIST IN THE SAME VENN DIAGRAM OF SEXUAL ALLURE

"...and now — finally — there was a slim chance that they may have found the cure. ​And Alexa would finally know what it felt like to grasp a cock in her hands again."

Stop resisting the dildos, Alexa. So much safer.

"Alexa took the creamy, bubbling COVID-19 sample from the workbench, holding it close to her quivering breasts as she returned to the samplometer."

GREAT now I'm distracted by my rage at the phrase "quivering breasts."

"Alexa stared at it. The creamy liquid bubbled and popped like a fresh bowl of Rice Krispies. ​Snap, crackle, pop. ​Even the sound of the virus made her ovaries clash together like cymbals."

SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE but great now I'll never be able to eat Rice Krispies again.

"Alexa’s heart fluttered like it had done the time she’d fucked the farmer’s cross-eyed son and uncrossed his eyes."

Me @ Alexa:

OMG OF COURSE HER LAB PARTNER THAT SHE WANTS TO HATE FUCK HAS COVID AND TAKING THE TEST VACCINE IS THE ONLY WAY TO TURN HIM INTO A PROSPECTIVE LOVE INTEREST

"There was lots of sound and shaking and Alexa’s heart hammered harder than the time she was hammered by the carpet fitter when he came to fit carpets in her country manor."

These sex analogies are exhausting AF and this book is ONLY 16 PAGES LONG

"There was a low groan, almost like a growl, which deepened and became a roar. A guttural, animalistic roar. So strong and powerful it made Alexa’s clitoris judder with anticipation."

Judder: shake and vibrate rapidly and with force.

(I know y'all were wondering)

"...Dr Gurtlychund stood from behind the workspace to reveal himself. His strong brow. Piercing blue eyes. Supple lips. A wide jaw, like the trunk of a car. Bulky, thick shoulders. A flat stomach. A bulge in his trousers the size of a medium-length python..."

Yes. Gurtlychund.

"The tip of his penis winked out above his belt line, and Alexa was positive he wasn’t even erect. She couldn’t stop staring. And it was… green. In fact, all of him was… green."

Apparently, this penis is sentient?

"Suddenly a strong chonk of a finger rubbed across Alexa’s cheek."

Bismirching the good name of "chonk" in this horror show HOW DARE YOU

"Alexa’s clitoris floundered."

I agree, Alexa's clit (and genitalia) in general sound super confused.

"The virus opened his hand and Alexa nestled her cheek into it. It was like laying on a warm, welcoming pillow. Soft and strong. Dreamy and happy. Some other nice things she couldn’t even describe."

Me @ Amazon pub:

"She felt his convulsing member against her waist. It was so long and warm and fat, like an arm without the bones. She wondered what it would look like when erect."

YOUR COLLEAGUE JUST GOT CONSUMED BY A VIRUS COULD YOU FOCUS FOR JUST. ONE. SECOND.

"‘What’s your name?’ she asked.

‘Call me Covid,’ he said."

You can all blame @BucketheadCase for bringing this to your timelines.

"His tongue, so soft and hot, like a chunk of microwaved fish, sloshing around inside her mouth."

I'll take 'I'm too asexual for this' for 100, Alex(a).

This counts as bestiality, yes?

"cock. It swelled like a balloon being filled with helium, rising up, standing to command, begging for her to take it in her hands."

I am now annoyed by the scientific inaccuracy of this nonsense. A balloon filled with helium will burst if you squeeze it like a cock Alexa.

"Then he pulled it out and it made a popping sound."

....is this still a penis or is it actually a balloon?

"...he could thrust his warbling member deep into her pocket of ecstasy."

Warbling member. We can add "warbling" to the list of "adjectives one DOESN'T use to describe a dick."

"He filled her with love lotion, which oozed out instantly and spread right across the floor."

Hey @Lit_Review I submit this for consideration for the Bad Sex Awards: COVID edition.

"Bubbly, like cola, ran through her veins."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAA @crankysunflower this one is for you.

"He had, undoubtedly, taken her breath away."

Yes, typically how Covid kills you.

"Missing was her aching to be savaged vaginally."

I am now concerned for this woman's vulva, though it deserves no consideration.

IS THIS WHOLE BOOK A METAPHOR FOR ANTI-MASKERS IS THAT WHAT THIS IS?

And it's done. I hope y'all enjoyed, because this was the hardest thing I've had to read all year, and I work in media. I leave you with the author profile. Fin.

Frens, @litfever's livetweet is infinitely funnier, pls enjoy: https://twitter.com/litfever/status/1310855386522628097?s=20