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I will never forget it, and it can't be undone, and that's ok.
(a thread about forgiveness)
(a thread about forgiveness)
I can already feel some of y'all getting ready to disagree with me, but buckle up, because if so, this probably isn't going where you think.
Sometimes people are asshats and don't even try to apologize or make amends. This thread is not about that.
This thread is about times when people *do* try, and why I still might not forgive or forget, and why that's ok.
This thread is about times when people *do* try, and why I still might not forgive or forget, and why that's ok.
When someone takes accountability for a mistake they made and genuinely tries to fix it, I am inclined to reach for forgiveness. If it was a small thing, and they actually fix the problem or change their behavior or whatever, I might even forget the whole thing given enough time.
Some mistakes, however, are permanent. Some things simply cannot be undone. No amount of contrition will excuse them, and nothing can be given or done after the fact to change them - that they happened at all is a wrongness that can never be righted.
This type of thing happened to me recently, and I've found I am... startlingly ok about it. One would think that now, of all times, I would not have the spoons to handle anything big with any sort of grace, and yet... I feel pretty much ok. Why?
There's a lot of complicated social dynamics in play, and I won't go into all of them. Relevant here is that the situation made me reflect on my relationship with forgiveness.
I can't just pretend this never happened. I do not agree with the other person's excuses for why it happened. I've changed the way I interact with this person because of it, bringing that social connection to a level that I'm comfortable with in light of that mistake.
COVID has made lots of social interactions really atypical, though, and I found myself wondering: what if this person apologizes to me months from now, accepting accountability and taking steps towards positive change? Would I forgive them?
No. I realized that I would not, and I felt very okay about that. Not exactly good, nor anxious, nor vengeful... just okay. Content. At peace. I can decline to forgive them and still be their friend because of that okayness.
I will never forgive this person for what they did, nor will I forget it, and allowing myself to deny forgiveness is what makes me feel ok. It's what lets me keep my own sense of peace now, and what makes future friendship feasible on my end.
I am so sick of memes that tell you "forgiveness will release you from bitterness" and other such crap. Sometimes, yes, forgiveness is appropriate, but some wounds must not be erased, and platitudes urging forgiveness are an attempt to do just that.
Sometimes peace arises not from forgiveness, but from validation. I heal myself by acknowledging my feelings. This hurt cannot be forgiven. In accepting that, I can move forward.
In these types of situations, those who tell us to let go so we can move on are wrong. It is not a lack of forgiveness that holds us back, but the lie we try to become in order to forgive.
You can forgive as often as you want to, and you don't have to forgive anyone you don't feel like forgiving. And that's ok.
Because *you* are ok. Your feelings are okay.
It's ok to feel how you feel, and move forward on your own terms.
Because *you* are ok. Your feelings are okay.
It's ok to feel how you feel, and move forward on your own terms.
