so, after countless years spent painfully questioning, i realized with 100% certainty that i was not attracted to men at all. for this reason, i decided to identify as a lesbian, because i felt that it captured my orientation best. the joy i feel using this label is immeasurable.

the way i see it, if someone else can find the same exact joy, freedom, and relief that i did by identifying as a lesbian, that’s a beautiful thing, even if they don’t have the absolute certainty regarding their attraction that i do, because let’s face it: not everyone can.

some people become consumed with anxiety about potential attraction, dissecting past experiences, and finding themselves stuck. they know that a label feels good, they know it’s bringing them so much joy, but there are people saying they have to be sure or they’re doing harm.

i reject that idea entirely. it’s not harmful to make a decision about who you want to be. even i sometimes even stay up late at night, panicked because “oh no, what if that crush was real? oh no, what if i don’t know for sure?” but i implore those who relate to say back “so?”

hypotheticals, anxieties, and endless panic does not change the comfort, safety, and happiness you find in being a lesbian. your label is yours. these are not prescriptive words you have to claim on a technicality of a dictionary definition. that’s not how identity really works.

if i were going off the dictionary definition, i wouldn’t even be a lesbian. i’m not a woman. many people contest with me on this because they don’t understand, but they don’t have to. the only thing i need to know is that lesbian perfectly fits for me. it’s my identity.

so, your anxieties about knowing for sure are valid, but know that they’re being enabled by a culture that has turned something as subjective as identity into something we must qualify and prove. it’s reductive and suffocating, and that’s the root of this anxiety. it’s heavy.

you may never know for sure, but wouldn’t it be so much better to just decide executively that it doesn’t matter, that you know your label feels right? as many people in this community both offline and online have told me, “if you want to be a lesbian, you can just be a lesbian.”

you deserve to let go of this pressure. if someday down the line the label doesn’t feel right anymore, you can do away with it and find another one (or not!) when i stopped demanding assuredness from myself and decided to just choose this label, i was free. that’s the liberation.

disclaimer: this thread touches on the fear of being unsure regarding identifying as a lesbian on the basis of absolute positivity. there are many reasons why someone may identify with lesbianism that transcend these ideas, and this thread is not meant to explore every caveat.