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The idea that aliens must’ve built all the incredible feats of engineering built by brown people just because Europeans meanwhile couldn’t figure out how not to shit in the streets never ceases to amuse and annoy me.
England in the 1800s: Why do we keep getting sick and dying!?
Everyone Else: Bro, there’s shit where you sleep, walk, and eat.
England: It has to go somewhere!
Ancient Sumerians, BCE: Have you tried a drainage system using clay pipes?
England: Fuck off with your alien ways!
Everyone Else: Bro, there’s shit where you sleep, walk, and eat.
England: It has to go somewhere!
Ancient Sumerians, BCE: Have you tried a drainage system using clay pipes?
England: Fuck off with your alien ways!
Europe: Welp, Rome is canceled. Egypt is too busy to send us papyrus so we can’t even write about how fucked we are. Plague is everywhere. We’re somehow still shitting in our own streets. Clearly these are Dark Ages.
Muslims: Um...? We actually are about to drop a new empire?
Muslims: Um...? We actually are about to drop a new empire?
Europe: It’s not all about you, Arab Empire! The rest of us REAL people are going through THE DARK AGES.
Muslim: We conquered Egypt. That’s why you’re out of papyrus.
Europe: GODDAMNIT. How will I write bad things about you for this?
China: We made paper! It’s the new hotness.
Muslim: We conquered Egypt. That’s why you’re out of papyrus.
Europe: GODDAMNIT. How will I write bad things about you for this?
China: We made paper! It’s the new hotness.
Muslims: We’ll take some of that, thanks. 
China: =( Okay but can we open up trade so both of our civilizations can flourish?
Muslims: My friends!
Europe: WhatEVER. You guys are the Eastern world. West world is best world and we are in THE DARK AGES. Africa lend me money.
China: =( Okay but can we open up trade so both of our civilizations can flourish?
Muslims: My friends!
Europe: WhatEVER. You guys are the Eastern world. West world is best world and we are in THE DARK AGES. Africa lend me money.
Africa: No.
Europe: This is discrimination against Christians.
Ethiopia: *covered in gold, gems, and crosses* Um...?
Europe: Ethiopia doesn’t count. They’re not... “real” Christians.
Ethiopia: Lmao fuck you then.
West Africa: Hey now, Europe is right. The west should unite.
Europe: This is discrimination against Christians.
Ethiopia: *covered in gold, gems, and crosses* Um...?
Europe: Ethiopia doesn’t count. They’re not... “real” Christians.
Ethiopia: Lmao fuck you then.
West Africa: Hey now, Europe is right. The west should unite.
Europe: THANK you!
West Africa: To join this new trade thing going on with the Muslim Empire.
Muslim: You’re welcome to join, bro. You’ve got good stuff. Check out China’s tea and poetry too!
India: Did someone say tea and poetry?
Muslim: I’ll DM you.
India: Nice try.
West Africa: To join this new trade thing going on with the Muslim Empire.
Muslim: You’re welcome to join, bro. You’ve got good stuff. Check out China’s tea and poetry too!
India: Did someone say tea and poetry?
Muslim: I’ll DM you.
India: Nice try.
Muslim: LMAO you got me. We’re good.
Europe: None of you count because we are the most west and therefore the most best and we say it’s THE DARK AGES!
Meanwhile, The Americas
Mayans: Sis check out this zero. We made it for our calendar.
Incas: Sis, we’re genetic engineers.
Europe: None of you count because we are the most west and therefore the most best and we say it’s THE DARK AGES!
Meanwhile, The Americas
Mayans: Sis check out this zero. We made it for our calendar.
Incas: Sis, we’re genetic engineers.
Mayans: Oh you right. My bad. You do you, boo. We’ll do math and pyramids. You engineer agriculture and Machu Picchu.
Incas: Damn we are seriously at peak performance right now. Hope no one comes along to gunk it up.
Aztecs: ?
Mayans: Besides you, Sis.
Incas: Damn we are seriously at peak performance right now. Hope no one comes along to gunk it up.
Aztecs:
?Mayans: Besides you, Sis.
Europe: Okay look. I know I went through a few rough patches but I’ve got my shit together. I know you guys have been enjoying the stuff we brought you from the New World we discovered.
Native Americans: You didn’t discover it! We live here! That’s OUR stuff!
Europe: Shhh...
Native Americans: You didn’t discover it! We live here! That’s OUR stuff!
Europe: Shhh...
China: Tea? 
England: Don’t mind if I do!
China:
England: Wow this is... damn. This is amazing. Can I get some more?
China: Yes.
England: ...? Well?
China: If you pay for it.
England: ... goddammit. I need it.
China:
England: Don’t mind if I do!
China:
England: Wow this is... damn. This is amazing. Can I get some more?
China: Yes.
England: ...? Well?
China: If you pay for it.
England: ... goddammit. I need it.
China:
England: Help me out bro. I’m out of cash. Everything I make is going to tea. Why don’t you
buy something I have so I can have some money to buy your tea?
China: No thx. I’ve got everything I need.
England: China, it’s not fair! You’re getting richer than me!
China: Yes.
buy something I have so I can have some money to buy your tea?
China: No thx. I’ve got everything I need.
England: China, it’s not fair! You’re getting richer than me!
China: Yes.
England: ... oh hell no. Those sons of bitches and their delicious tea. Slide into India’s DMs. We’ll grow our own!
India: That won’t be cheap. We have a lot of people—
England: With slave labor!
India: Ah. You’re going to downplay this when you write about it, aren’t you?
India: That won’t be cheap. We have a lot of people—
England: With slave labor!
India: Ah. You’re going to downplay this when you write about it, aren’t you?
England: CHINA LET US IN! WE GOT SOMETHING YOU WANT.
China: No you don’t.
England: Too late. Enjoy your opium addiction.
China: ... wait... that’s illegal!
England: What? You wanna go to war about it?
China: ... I sold you gunpowder, didn’t I?
England: SO MUCH!
China: No you don’t.
England: Too late. Enjoy your opium addiction.
China: ... wait... that’s illegal!
England: What? You wanna go to war about it?
China: ... I sold you gunpowder, didn’t I?
England: SO MUCH!
China: Little help here, Japan!
Japan: Yes.
China: ...?
Japan: But actually no.
England: We did it. We made Europe the dominant world power again. As it should and always will be.
United States: Oh I don’t think so.
Japan: Yes.
China: ...?
Japan: But actually no.
England: We did it. We made Europe the dominant world power again. As it should and always will be.
United States: Oh I don’t think so.
Europe: United States! I should’ve known.
United States: Can’t control us with tea. We throw that shit in the harbor and drink this coffee thing we discovered!
South America: That YOU discov—!? Ah, forget it.
Europe: Cute. Now hush. Adults are talking, US.
United Stated: Heh.
United States: Can’t control us with tea. We throw that shit in the harbor and drink this coffee thing we discovered!
South America: That YOU discov—!? Ah, forget it.
Europe: Cute. Now hush. Adults are talking, US.
United Stated: Heh.
Europe: What? Why are you laughing?
United States: Haven’t you heard, old man?
Australia: TELL ‘EM, BRO!
Europe: Tell me what?
United States: West... is best...
Europe: No...
United States: Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru
Europe: NOOOOOO...!
United States: Haven’t you heard, old man?
Australia: TELL ‘EM, BRO!
Europe: Tell me what?
United States: West... is best...
Europe: No...
United States: Omae Wa Mou Shindeiru
Europe: NOOOOOO...!
Japan: Um, that’s my culture—?
US: All cultures are now my culture! Fuck you! I bought it, I own it! There’s a new sheriff in town and he’s got THE NUKES. Right Japan!?
Japan: ...
US: WHAT UP CHINA! Buy our shit!
China: We’re closed to trade.
US: WELL OPEN THAT SHIT UP!
US: All cultures are now my culture! Fuck you! I bought it, I own it! There’s a new sheriff in town and he’s got THE NUKES. Right Japan!?
Japan: ...
US: WHAT UP CHINA! Buy our shit!
China: We’re closed to trade.
US: WELL OPEN THAT SHIT UP!
China: ... okay.
US. ... what really? Just like that?
China: Mhm. Come inside. Just careful you don’t wake the sleeping dragon.
US: What’s that mean?
China: Oh nothing to worry about. Just foreshadowing.
US. ... what really? Just like that?
China: Mhm. Come inside. Just careful you don’t wake the sleeping dragon.
US: What’s that mean?
China: Oh nothing to worry about. Just foreshadowing.
