cried all through therapy. gonna share what i can remember & then go lay down and allow myself to grieve, which was one of the most helpful directives
helpful things:

1. the fucked up way youre feeling right now is normal with proper context. this has made me feel guilty for not being at home, selfish for being so impacted by whats happening since im not at home, & most of all, terrified for my life & the lives of my loved 1s
i cannot concentrate on anything. i cant keep up with emails or my calendar, i cant be present in group chats or zoom meetings, i cant stop crying, i cant be productive, the brain fog is back, im resentful of having to work under these social conditions. & i feel bad for it all
& i feel bad for it all bc i was doing so good. i fought like mad to make the strides ive made & do the work ive done & now im right back here.

what i missed is that it makes *sense* to be back here. im not back here bc of things i did or didnt do. its bc the world hurts rn.
when she said that i instantly felt the smallest little milliliter nicer to myself. if everything in my life/the world was perfect, then yeah it might could be on me. but im responding to some excruciatingly painful shit right now & you prolly are too. try & keep context in mind
2. the message that this has sent to black women all over america is that we are not safe anywhere, not even in our own homes. that is terrifying in a way that i cant put into words for ppl who arent experiencing it. its made me interrogate whether or not im safe in other areas +
of my life--in my relationships, in my work life, in this country. my anxiety is working triple time looking for threats *everywhere* and that costs energy & causes more worry & adds to awful feelings caused by the message sent by the verdict. context helps me understand this.
it probably wont make it any easier to bear, but understanding why im being so defensive and worried about shit that may or may not be happening makes more sense which helps me be nicer to myself about it
3. we are being traumatized over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. all of us, but especially black women. by the time we figure out how to compartmentalize all these tragedies there's another one, and that causes pain, frustration, eats at your hope.
4. the pain that all this causes is very real, even if i may not think i have a right to feel pain bc im not the person this happened to, bc im not even in my city to experience it. i feel guilty for being safe(ish) and okay in brooklyn. ive been denying my right to feel pain.
& denying yourself the right to feel pain doesnt make that pain go away, it does the opposite. you feel things bc its your body trying to tell you something, and when you body has something to say it wont be ignored. so feel it. you are human. it makes sense to hurt right now
5. guilt helps nothing. ive been having a really hard time adjusting to having the privileges i have now, privileges that i did not grow up with, privileges that people i love dont have. during work, even, i feel guilty that as a freelancer i dont have the same work load +
as the rest of my teams, who i care deeply for. i feel guilty that i CAN take the time i need to rest and grieve and restore bc most of the ppl i love dont have that privilege. so i add to my stress by not partaking in those privileges. that only hurts me.
she said that i need to remember how hard ive worked to attain these privileges & that was such a lightbulb moment for me. she told me to use them so that i can rest up & continue helping folk without them in whatever ways i can, even if they are just tiny ways.
& to that note id like to say to white ppl: sitting in the guilt of your privilege does nothing to help anyone. your guilt is a jail cell that you can walk out of at any time. the key to that cell door is using that privilege to help those who dont have it.
she gave me some homework, which is to do a relaxation exercise (she'll send it today & ill share it if i remember to) & to allow myself 2 days to grieve. to really grieve, to feel my pain without judging myself for it, to cry bc the world hurts & not bc im a piece of shit
i genuinely have no idea how im going to get through this with all this work still on my plate. i dont know how any of us are, black women especially and in particular. i hate that we are expected to just continue on as if its fine. but all we can do is all we can do, yknow?
to black women i want to say: your pain is real. no matter where you are in this country, on this planet, your pain is real. your pain is real even if the ppl around you do not and cannot feel it bc they are not black women. your pain is real even if youve been convinced it isnt.
that was the part of today's session that struck me the most. i really did feel like i had no right to the pain i was feeling bc it wasnt me who was murdered in my own home by unannounced cops.

but my pain & terror are real, & so is yours. <3
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