ONE TWEET blows up and suddenly yall are entrepreneurs

alright fellow #teens don’t you hate it when you’re doing your homework and it’s dark but you don’t wanna get up and turn on the lights? well guess what #zoomers use code SALV when buying The Clapper for 30% off! here’s a shady bitly link

for those days when you just wanna kick back and relax, come to Sammie’s Sandals and use code SALV for $10 off your first Gold Membership Card! believe me, it’s the best place to relax. and of course you can trust me, i made a viral joke on twitter!

textbook rentals making your wallet look like it’s been on a diet? come on down to Edwin’s Texts & Ointment Emporium, tell em SALV sent ya for $30 off your first textbook rental! don’t forget to bring it back, or suffer mass consequences for your actions! (the ointment has eyes)

staying at home got you in the dumps? when’s the last time you’ve treated yourself? come to Marvin’s Marvelous Masseuse for the chance to be Marvin for the day! use code SALV for a 40% chance at Marvinhood! (all patrons not chosen for Marvinhood are disassembled for future use)

concerned about the rising sociopolitical tensions across the globe? thanks to MySpot™, you don’t have to! reserve a spot in our tiered bunker beneath Cincinnati today, use code “SALV” for a free upgrade to Radioactivity Protection!

saying goodbye is the hardest part. now, with Hello Grandma!™, you don’t have to! for just two years of your lifespan, you can spend five more hours with the one you love! use code “SALV” so your kids can revisit you when it’s your time for 50% off!