I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a gay man in fandom spaces that are focused around romantic relationships between men, but are largely dominated by people who are not mlm. The short version is…it sucks.

It sucks to see mlm be fetishized, and to have people either ignore our concerns or dismiss us when we push back against it. It is infuriating to watch people claim that we don’t know what the word means, or that we don’t have the authority to decide when we’re being fetishized.

I need you all to understand, really understand, that mlm exist outside of the stories you read or watch. The characters you are discussing may be fictional, but the way you talk about them tells mlm a lot about how you think about us. Your words do not exist in a vacuum.

I need you to understand, too, that the real or perceived queerness of real-life men is not a spectacle for your titillation. We are whole and complex people, with our own feelings and wills, and we deserve to be treated as such.

This feels like a silly thing to have to say aloud, but it’s clear from fan reactions to things like Xiao Bao and Yibo’s exchange (which was also an example of people ignoring cultural appropriation when it would’ve “interfered” with their enjoyment) that this gets forgotten.

My dear friend Rain wrote an excellent thread about this at the time, which you should definitely read if you haven’t already. https://twitter.com/nonbinaryquing/status/1304875703121387523

(Men should also be able to get along with/be friends with other men in real life without you immediately sexualizing it or claiming that they are “secret boyfriends,” but that’s a thread for another day.)

Mlm do what we can to cultivate an okay fandom experience for ourselves and each other, in the face of all this. Literally the first message I ever got on this account was from a fellow queer trans man, warning me about some of the most egregious fetishizers in our shared fandom.

I personally have an extensive blocklist, rarely venture beyond the circle of my trusted mutuals, and vet most people’s profiles extensively before I even considering following them. And yet stuff still slips through.

I am tired of seeing heteronormative standards applied to mlm relationships. I am tired of seeing non-mlm call one partner in a relationship between two men the “wife” or “mother.” I’m tired of cis women calling mlm “twinks” and arguing over who’s the top and who’s the bottom.

I’m not saying that non-mlm can’t respectfully enjoy mlm content. You just need to be a little more self-aware, and make sure that you’re actually listening to what mlm have to say consistently—not just when it suits you. Because I’m tired. We’re tired. And y’all can do better.