Forgiveness is one of the most weaponized concepts against those who have been harmed and abused. Several Bible verses and doctrines have been used to silence and re-traumatize victims, while they also protect abusers. So we have to keep on setting the record straight:

(1)

Forgiveness is not accepting an apology – You can forgive someone and not accept their apology.

Forgiveness is not meant to eradicate responsibility – You can forgive and people should still be held accountable for their abuse and harm.
(2)

Forgiveness has nothing to do with anger – Anger is a valid emotional response to abuse regardless of forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean anything is forgotten – Asking victims to forget or “let go” of abuse/harm is stifling their healing and further abusing them.
(3)

Forgiveness is not absolution – Abusers receive no absolution for forgiveness; their actions don’t change an iota by forgiveness.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean victims/survivors don’t get to talk about the abuse – You can forgive and talk about what you were subjected to.
(4)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean the pain of harm/abuse is gone – You can forgive someone and still feel deeply hurt by their actions.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean the relationship is restored – You can forgive and never again want to talk to or see those who harmed you.
(5)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean things will go “back to normal” – Things fundamentally change and what that change looks like depends on the victim/survivor. The main priority is their safety, not going “back to normal.”
(6)

Forgiveness is about refusing to dehumanize the one who harmed us. It’s about being able to see them as human, made in the image of divinity too, without minimizing for a second that they are abusers. It is refusing to harm them back even in our commitment to seek justice;
(7)

because justice is not the same as getting people back, justice is about making things right, protecting others, and holding people accountable. Forgiveness is about loyalty to our true selves, about our own healing, but forgiveness is not a prerequisite to healing.
(8)

Abusers don’t get to ask for or demand forgiveness; forgiveness is for the victim, and 100% about the victim. And if the word forgiveness is too triggering for you because it’s been so misused against us, then you can let go of forgiveness all together.
(9)

The goal is healing and wholeness, not whatever version of forgiveness anyone wants to use against us.