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—— on academia and anorexia (a thread of sorts)
Perfectionism —
“often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it's possible to achieve perfection”
(via goodtherapy)
“often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it's possible to achieve perfection”
(via goodtherapy)
Essays —
“Imagine a type of writing so hard to define it’s very name should be something like: an effort, an attempt, a trial. Surmise or hazard, followed likely by failure”.
(from ‘Essayism’ by Brian Dillon)
“Imagine a type of writing so hard to define it’s very name should be something like: an effort, an attempt, a trial. Surmise or hazard, followed likely by failure”.
(from ‘Essayism’ by Brian Dillon)
Eating Disorders —
from the poem 'Civil War Sickness' by Adira Bennet
from the poem 'Civil War Sickness' by Adira Bennet
to someone who doesn't or hasn't ever experienced an eating disorder, or maybe even if you're eating disorder manifests in a different way, academia and anorexia probably sound completely arbitrary. this thread hasn't been planned, I just felt like talking about this
as a lot of you know I've been struggling with weight loss/gain and food for the past few years, and I'm currently on an extenuation for my third-year assignments and still struggling to finish my essay portfolio and dissertation.
I want to talk from my personal experience of how the concept of perfectionism is the undercurrent to my ED and the struggles I have with academia
When my ED developed I was in my first year of university, and for a whole host of reasons, I was feeling very down on myself, I was anxious, and felt like a failure. I was surrounded by people I perceived to be prettier, skinnier, smarter, more creative, & more successful.
I had dealt with depression and dissociative symptoms for years, and got to a breaking point where I wanted to change my life for the better, and I'm not going to lie but a lot of those actions I took did exactly that. But I've been sucked into this idea of perfectionism.
My self-hatred and self-destruction began to manifest itself in a "positive" way - I focus on making sure I'm perfect in every single way. I want perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect clothes, a perfect body, perfect grades, a perfect routine, a perfect job etc.
The two things that are inextricably linked but also come into confrontation with each other are my ED and my education. I tell myself I can eat less, study more, lose weight, and get the best grades. And that will make me happy. That will fill the hole.
I am afraid of failure. Losing weight and getting top grades are the two most important focuses of my life (besides the obvious). If I overeat, or I gain weight: I failed. I haven't reached my goal. I've disappointed myself yet again. I'm not perfect, so I just push harder.
I look in the mirror and I see every cell of fat on my body. I see every little inch I want to shrink. I can't look at the whole picture, my body dysmorphia makes me zero in on the tiny details as my next target to obliterate (my thighs being what I want to obliterate mostly).
So my restrictive behaviours continue. And that feels like success. Losing weight means I'm on my way to achieving my goal. My anxiety and self-hatred subsides. This is how EDs work. You condition yourself into believing you can reach perfection, and that it will make you happy.
