So I think I got yelled at by Keith Richards on Facebook today. Here's the whole dumb story, with screencaps. Maybe 4 years ago, I got a friend request from a woman on FB. I would be FB friends with Henry Kissinger if I could sell him a T shirt so I accepted. #keithrichards

She sent me a msg about how she'd read the obit I wrote for a friend who OD'd and how it really touched her. I thanked her for her msg. She wrote me another msg that was incredibly long, longer than an 'I want to bone' msg, more 'untreated mental illness' long so I didn't respond

Years later, she starts posting intimate pictures of the #rollingstones, on and off stage. Yeah, fuck it, I still love the Stones so I was impressed. Turned out she was their tour photographer. Then she started posting pics of little British kids in the British countryside.

Tagged in those pics was one "K Richards." Keith fucking Richards, man, rock'n'roll in the flesh! Like any grampa, his whole profile was public and he was posting pics of his house, kids, grandkids, holy shit, it was awesome. You god damn right I sent him a friend request. If he

accepted, what was I gonna do? Fuck it, I would have invited him to play Candy Crush, grandpas love that shit. He didn't accept it. Turns out this woman is his gf or maybe secret wife? Anyway, years pass. I know someone who's fucking Keith Richards, that's cool. She posts these

intimate vids of him just hanging out and playing his old 50s Gibson, pics of his famous teles. It's great. Then a couple of months ago, I start getting this barrage of messages from her. They're having problems, she's telling me. I was sympathetic at first, probably responded a

couple of times because yeah, I'm a fan and a gawker and fame perverts everyone it touches. Then it's like 35-40 messages a day. Pictures, voice messages, screencaps of texts and msgs from Keith. She's losing all coherence. It's unclear if she's relapsed or if she's having a

psychotic break. I mute her for 24 hours like 5 times and then just mute her permanently because I can't deal with it and don't know how to handle it. It was fascinating but now it's more information than I want, their sex life, etc. Then there's a screenshot and whoops, that's

Mick Jagger's email. Then she's left Keith for Mick. WTF. The biggest band in the world and they're still fighting over the same girl. She's in France, she's on Fire Island, she adds me to some group chat with Marlon Richards, she msgs me directly and calls me a fraud...

I can't keep up. And it stopped being fun or funny a long time ago. It's depressing to discover this 2 super successful dudes act like 19 year old lunkheads over a woman and the three of them engage in this insane juvenile drama. Then today, this weird msg pops up:

SHE'S WORTH 145 MILLION PLUS 11 MILLION MICK JAGGER 156 MILLION THIS MOMENT AND SHE WAS NICE TO YOU. I responded with "I’ve tried to be nice to you- I hope it’s landed right." Lame, I know. I did msg her a couple times asking if she was okay. Not my lookout. Here's what I got:

I respect people's privacy, particularly when drugs or mental illness are involved. I tried to respect theirs. But nobody threatens me.

So fuck you in the eye, Keith Richards, you gangrenous old Skeletor. Name the time and place, public or private. Bring your A game, old coot. I will kick your fucking ass
at Candy Crush.

Not proud of this, but it had to be done. I have all kinds of screenshots and shit to verify this story if necessary. Also, please buy a T-shirt, Henry Kissinger.