ANNOUNCEMENT

LUCEPUSSYNATION HQ are happy to announce the introduction of a new feature:

LUCE PUSSY’S APE OF THE DAY

stay tuned on this thread for your daily ape / simian
awards news and videos

1. Koko the Gorilla - 10/10
- my favourite ape of all time
- a man could never achieve what she has

she shook her head & signed “shite”

2. Kanzi the Bonobo
- my favourite ape species
- most intelligent ape of all time
- 10/10 will be featured again

#LUCEPUSSYAPEOFTHEDAY ft. voice over from me

voiceover opinions

3. Uncle fatty 11/10

- I think about him every day
- i hope he is out there living free and fat

4. Limbani - 9/10
- instagram famous
- can skateboard, paint & drive his little car
- owned by the ex drug lord that was on tiger king

5. Peter the art hoax Chimp - 7/10

- painting by a chimp submitted to modern art gallery to see if anyone could tell the difference
- nobody noticed
- everyone thought it was good except one guy who said “only an ape could have made this”

6. Chantek the Orangutan- 12/10

- knew 150+ ASL words & understood spoken english
- went to college
- from the wikipedia page: “He possessed the spatial comprehension to direct a driving-route from the University of Tennessee to the closest Dairy Queen”

7. Lucy the Chimp 100/10

- raised to believe she was human
- could sign
- ate using silverware
- created human head models out of her poop
- reared a cat
- drunk gin, read playgirl & masturbated using a hoover
- when introduced to male chimps was scared & disgusted (queen)

8. Nim Chimpsky - 9/10

- documentary made me sad:(
- raised as human for a language study
- researchers were dumb asf & surprised when he grew up to attack them (king behaviour)
- they eventually left him in a shitehole zoo

- when will the ape war come

- his best sentence:

9. Fred the Baboon - 9/10

- leader of a baboon gang
- would unzip bags, steal food, raid homes / cars & assault tourists
- chased by police for 3 years
- shot by rubber pellets over 50 times & survived
- eventually euthanised but when the ape war comes his death will be avenged

10. Shabani the Gorilla - 8/10

- known as “worlds most handsome” gorilla
- can tightrope walk
- pls read the wiki paragraphs... everybody going to jail

11. Oliver the “Humanzee” 8/10
- famous for looking human - had a flat face & walked upright
- they deadass thought he was half chimp half human until DNA test turns out he was just ugly
- poured himself a brandy every night
- kept trying to shag humans
- i’m literally terrified

12. Ham the Chimpanzee - 8/10
- first ape to orbit space & survive
- trained to move the levers
- this one actually makes me sad bc they used electric shocks to train him :(
- all the previous monkeys they tried to send died :(
- when the ape war comes we taking down NASA first

13. WILD ORANGUTAN USING SAW ???? 11/10

14. ORANGUTAN DRIVING GOLF BUGGY & QUAD BIKE ??? - 11/10

15. Mongo the hairless Chimp - 10/10

- bald king
- so scary
- i love him
- maybe if y’all had his gains...
- when the ape war comes i know who’s side i am on

16. Washoe the Chimp - 15/10
- first animal to speak ASL
- recognised herself in a mirror
- had identity crisis when found out she wasn’t human (depersonalisation queen)
- liked to paint & play with dolls
- showed empathy to keeper experiencing miscarriage signing “sad” & “cry”

17. Kalua the Alcoholic Monkey - 9/10
- regularly given alcohol by his owner
- owner died & he went on a rampage
- attacked 250 people
- KILLED one person
- sentenced to life in solitary confinement at the zoo

18. Macaco Tião the Chimpanzee - 9/10

- ran for mayor of Rio de Janeiro
- received 400,000 votes
- known for having a bad temper & throwing his poo at people
- threw a turd at politician

19. Ayumu the Chimpanzee - 11/10

- can complete a numerical memory test in 60 milliseconds
- faster & more accurate than ANY human
- proof that chimps have a better short term memory than us & we likely traded ours for the ability to talk

- maybe if all men were this smart...

20. MORE KANZI

- using the lexigram to communicate
- 300+ symbols that each represent an english word & he knows them ALL

#KANZINATION

21. Crystal the Capuchin Monkey - 10/10

- most famous actress monkey of all time

- she has done more for hollywood than any man ever will

- star of Night at the Museum, The Hangover and (most importantly) Annie’s Boobs in Community

- net worth of £14 MILLION

22. MORE KOKO

signing asking to put her kitten on her head

i miss her sm

#KOKONATION

23. Lucy the Australopithecus - 8/10

- most important ape of all time
- first human-like ape discovered
- changed our understanding of evolution theories etc

- rumours say she was named after #LUCEPUSSYSAPEOFTHEDAY

24. baby orangutans scared of toy snake I WILL PROTECT!!!

25. GORILLA SPIN when will he stop ?

26. Congo the artist Chimp - 8/10

- most famous ape artist
- learned to draw at age 2
- made over 400 paintings
- would get mad if a picture was taken away from him before he was finished
- picasso was a fan & had one of the paintings hung in his studio

26. Johnny the Monkey - 100/10

- kazakhstan royalty
- RIP king

i did 26 twice

28. chimp try to escape the shackles of capitalism when will he be free ?

29. my favourite monkey news from this year... the simian uprising will come soon

30. little chimp feeding his tortoise friend #SOCIALISM

31. Jack the Baboon - 9/10
- owner was a railway signalman & took him to work every day
- started copying him whilst he did the railway signals
- basically ended up learning to do the job
- never made a single mistake

FT. audio terrorism from me

32. monkey patiently sits for his boogies picked - 11/10

- this video started my obsession

33. Louis the Gorilla - 9/10
- philly king
- famous for walking upright
- doesn’t like to get his hands dirty #OCDNATION

34.

35. 11/10

me finding out that chimpanzees kill & eat monkeys

36. Bubbles the Chimpanzee - 8/10

- owned by Michael Jackson from 1988 to 2005
-would eat at the dinner table, use the toilet & sleep in his bed
- allegedly tried to commit suicide when separated :(
- now lives at florida ape sanctuary
- likes to paint & listen to flute music :)

37. i know those bitches annoying as hell...

38. monkey slide - 11/10

no ape today just thoughts...

chimp on the BBQ - 12/10

Eli the Chimp - 10/10

- starred with danny devito in one direction’s steal my girl music video

- the last professionally trained actor chimp in hollywood

- CGI means real animals are longer needed & a reduce in abuse

- a #WIN for apenation

Caesar - WORLDS SEXIEST APE - 100/10

- invented socialism
- most intelligent leader of all time
- julius caesar was named after him
- eradicated the prison system
- educator
- killed humanity
- died for the boys

GORILLA DOING HANDSTAND - 15/10