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TW // Suicide :
So I’ve debated for awhile on posting about my major trauma and PTSD. I still don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing by posting this, or if it’ll even help. It’s been years and I still have nightmares and flashbacks. But here’s a piece of me that I hide -
So I’ve debated for awhile on posting about my major trauma and PTSD. I still don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing by posting this, or if it’ll even help. It’s been years and I still have nightmares and flashbacks. But here’s a piece of me that I hide -
When I was 17, I was 4 years into a horribly abusive relationship w a guy who took advantage of me at a young age (14) and roped me into a relationship with him (18 at the time). He was abusive in so many different ways and would torment and torture me for days at a time -
Tw // mention of guns
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He would point guns at me and talk about killing me in extreme detail, once even put a loaded gun in my mouth. I thought I was going to die, and I was pregnant with my now 3yr old daughter. —
.
He would point guns at me and talk about killing me in extreme detail, once even put a loaded gun in my mouth. I thought I was going to die, and I was pregnant with my now 3yr old daughter. —
Anyway.. July 2, 2016 when I was 10 weeks pregnant, we’d gotten into a huge argument. I was trying to leave, but he threatened to kill me then kill himself, and I knew he would truly do it if I kept walking, so I went back.. -
About 5 minutes after we got back inside the house, he put a gun to his head, blamed me for all his problems and then shot and killed himself less than 6ft in front of me.. I will never forget the silence that followed. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I went into shock —
I pulled myself together the best I could and called the police and frantically explained everything, they instructed me on how to try to save him even though they already knew what I knew.. that there was no saving. It felt like the ambulance took ages to get to us. —
Once they did, I went back into shock. Meanwhile fireworks were going off everywhere, constantly sounding like gunfire on repeat. The smell of gun smoke and fireworks are eerily similar. so now I completely lose it and break down every time July comes around (4th of July parties)
I still don’t know how to live normally, it’s been 4 years and it still runs my life. My anxiety is off the charts, I can’t sleep, and this is ultimately what led to me becoming an alcoholic (recovering). Every day I contemplate giving up, because I’m tired of reliving that night
End thread // Thank you for letting me get this out and off my chest. I love you all... 
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