but the more considerate thing to do would be to ASK: hey, do you have the time or emotional energy to listen to me fro a second? because that recognizes that /my/ current wellbeing and spoon level is just as critical as their need in that moment. +

as someone who, and my therapist literally fucking said this to my face (god bless her), "takes on vicarious trauma like a a sponge takes water," learning to assert this particular emotional boundary was a TRIP, lemme tell you. +

what do you mean i can just. tell people i am not up for helping them with their woes? that it's actually healthy to NOT emotionally experience every issue that my friends go through as though i'm going through it myself? +

although these are two separate concepts, learning to protect my own spoons was a MAJOR part of my learning how to set my own emotional boundaries. +

so if this is new to you, consider being more cognizant of what you are truly asking for when you go to your loved ones with stuff. i'm not saying we shouldn't help each other out - obviously not!! but i'm saying that we should aim preemptively check in on boundaries. +

and this is where i talk about consent, because while this is not completely analogous to consent when it comes to physical contact or sexual interaction, i do think we can glean a LOT of insight from framing it in a similar way. +

there is nothing wrong with needing reassurance, or seeking help from friends and loved ones when you're struggling. but there is EVERYTHING wrong with repeatedly asking and/or emotionally "dumping" when the individual you're talking to asserts that they aren't able to give. +

as a survivor of sexual assault, it was much easier for me to process the idea of saying "no" to someone when i began thinking of it as my emotional consent. because to explain the analogy, it's not inherently bad to have sexual need. +

it is, however, bad to PUSH those urges onto others to solicit them to help you care for those urges when they are not willing. consent!! +

if you find yourself consistently going to people, time and time again, and talking over them for the sake of your own emotional needs, take a step back and consider whether or not you've checked to make sure that they're okay with it. +

obviously, some people (like i was...) will say they're okay with it when realistically it is not good for them. but! /you've/ done your due diligence at least by asking. +

and we all have our moments when we don't realize we're about to go full turbo-mode. but when i do this, i do try to stop when i recognize and be like "whoa okay this is more than i expected - is this okay? are you willing and able to be here for me?" +

i view this as being analogous to affirmative consent. check in to make sure things haven't changed over the course of the conversation! +

and most importantly, more than anything else - IF YOU FIND SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE WHO REPEATEDLY IGNORES YOUR EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES IN FAVOR OF TRYING TO SOLICIT CARE FOR THEIR OWN NEEDS, CONSIDER THAT A RED FLAG. +

if you have repeatedly said "i am sorry. i love/support you AND i am also not able to serve this role for you right now" and they CONTINUE to bulldoze right over you, they have disregarded your emotional consent and that speaks volumes. +

again. they may not recognize that they're doing this. they may be dealing with anxiety, or something else that is keeping them from recognizing how toxic and manipulative their own behavior is. +

so if you feel safe to do so, call them out on it (maybe not in the moment if they're super distressed). but you are absolutely justified in walking away to protect yourself in that moment. +

having a psychiatric condition does not excuse you from accountability for your actions, even though it may explain why your actions were not the finest in the moment. and it does not excuse you from trying to be better in the future. +

that could be a whole thread in and of itself, but here it applies because the point is that if someone repeatedly flouts your emotional consent and boundaries and attributes it to their psychiatric condition, that is extremely toxic and manipulative. +

and if you're a spoonie, what they're doing is stealing your spoons. +

i'll come back and add more thoughts to them as they happen - but for now this is all i got. mono needed to hear this at 16 and didn't until she was 21, so fingers crossed, someone else hears it before learning the hard way!

a tl;dr of the last part lmfao https://twitter.com/yeongwonhanrain/status/1309860360896286720?s=20

also if you were interested in the last psa, it’s here https://twitter.com/yeongwonhanrain/status/1309174261475684352