Some honest reflections on parenting, from the morning quiet:

We don’t talk about how fucking hard parenting is - at an often viscerally challenging level - enough. Mental health and parenting logically go hand in hand. But there’s still stigma and pressure to look like you’re loving it, particularly when kids are young.

FWIW I fucking hated the early years. I felt trapped and overwhelmed and unsupported and ultimately, a failure, while everyone else around me acted like they were having the time of their life with their toddlers and humous and play dates.

But here’s the thing: parenting is non-linear. It changes. It’s phases. You don’t have to enjoy every one. People go on about terrible teens but I’ve treasured my girls’ teen years.

Good parenting, I have learned, is not:
• controlling someone
• creating a person in your image
• something to expect ROI from
• about me

Good parenting is the ultimate act of generosity: to give with no expectation of anything in return, just a hope that you have contributed something of value to your person and therefore the world

Your kids are not you. You share genes and points of reference and maybe even ancestral belief patterns and trauma, but they are not you. You will never fully know them, but that’s OK. Kids are allowed their own mysteries, just as us parents should have ours.

And on that note, kids can amaze you. I’m convinced we generally underestimate our kids. I know I do. And I check myself on that regularly, because I also know that when my kids feel like someone believes in them, it’s game-changing.

I love car journeys for chats. Questions I like to ask, for unexpected answers:
• what matters to you today?
• what do you especially value about x friend?
• what do you think about [insert literally anything - cheese, BLM, drugs]?
• what do you wish you understood better?

Listen. Listen, listen, listen. Even when it’s a boring monologue about the principles of a good TikTok. Do you know how badly kids need to be heard? And hey, just as importantly, it’s how they learn to listen.

Know for yourself, and teach them the difference, between service and servitude. Parents should be in service to their kids. Not servitude.

My personal philosophy is to resist doing practical things for my kids that they could do for themselves. Independence - despite nixing my desire for them to need me forever - will be the greatest gift I can give them.

Parents gonna fuck up. But far more important than not fucking up is to fuck up, admit it and be willing to apologise. Where else in this world will your kids learn humility and the essential nature of failure?

And yes it’s a cliche that time flies, far too quickly. So love hard. Remember that they’re watching and admiring and modelling you, even when you’re convinced they despise you. Be their safe place in the world. In service, not servitude. Let your fledglings fly. Yikes.