STORYTIME: from late 2016 to about a week ago i wanted to be apostolic pentecostal. i wanted to sing in the choir, go on mission trips, and attend as many youth events (and not just youth events) as i could.

i even wanted to go to a pentecostal college a bit more than arts colleges. i loved theatre, but i felt like being in the IBC choir mattered more to me. the only reasons i couldn't attend that college we're that i was neither straight nor apostolic pentecostal.

i felt so guilty for wearing makeup, pants, shorts, & tank tops, and the fact i got my hair trimmed, as well as listening to certain types of music and not being straight. i felt as if i did so many bad things by doing that.

every time nayc and the nayc talent search happened i would cry because i wasn't apostolic and therefore couldn't participate in the talent search. and i would also cry because i couldn't attend nayc.

many people at the church i BEGGED to attend had blocked me because i had already come out. i felt as if i didn't belong and i would cry for hours on end.

flash forward a few years later, i watched a lot of testimonies from ex-pentecostals and i felt so much better about myself. i don't want to be surrounded by a toxic environment.

oh and btw tonight i got a sponsored ad from the pentecostal college i previously mentioned and it was on my instagram feed. so many bad memories related to the time i wanted to apply for that college came to mind. the songs came to mind. i can't get them out of my mind.

(this thread about leaving the pentecostal mindset wasn't meant to talk shit about pentecostal people btw)