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That thing going around of "NTs are asking to sit with you when they ask what movie you're watching" makes me think we need to do another Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture thread.
I saved this link in Evernote because I've given it out so many times, but here's where (as far as I know) the terms were coined. Credit where due. https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-between-FU-and-Welcome#830421
Ask Culture is a culture where it's not impolite to ask for things. "Can I watch a movie with you?" or "Can I stay for dinner?" or "Can I play this game with you?"
Ask Culture is contingent on the idea that "no" is an acceptable answer to give or receive.
Ask Culture is contingent on the idea that "no" is an acceptable answer to give or receive.
Guess Culture is a culture where it's considered hugely impolite to ask directly for things unless it's some kind of emergency, in part because "no" is considered rude to say.
So folks edge around a topic, nosing for an invite.
So folks edge around a topic, nosing for an invite.
GUESS CULTURE
Person A says: / Person B is supposed to say:
"What game is that?" / "Would you like to play?"
"That smells so good!" / "Would you like to stay to eat?"
"Phew, this is heavy." / "Do you need help with that?"
Person A says: / Person B is supposed to say:
"What game is that?" / "Would you like to play?"
"That smells so good!" / "Would you like to stay to eat?"
"Phew, this is heavy." / "Do you need help with that?"
Guess Culture can be hugely toxic; my experience with it is as a southern evangelical. But Ask Culture can also go horribly wrong if an individual punishes people for giving a "no" answer. So it's not like one is a utopia over the other.
Kissmate and I are both neurodivergent in very similar ways.
But he's from Ask Culture and I'm from Guess Culture. And that caused a lot of friction until we realized that.
But he's from Ask Culture and I'm from Guess Culture. And that caused a lot of friction until we realized that.
For example: When we would go out to eat, he'd say "Are you picking up the check?" and because I was raised in a culture where "no" isn't acceptable, I'd say yes every time. He didn't realize anything was wrong! Meanwhile I was starting to feel taken advantage of.
Whereas in my culture, it would've been more normal to say "WHO is picking up the check?" as opposed to putting someone on the spot with "are YOU picking up the check?" He wasn't familiar with the dance of Guess Culture.
I've had to learn that when he asks me a question directly there's no hidden expectation of a "yes". Saying no is acceptable and safe.
He's had to learn that sometimes I struggle to ask directly for things. We've had a lot of "you're allowed to have wants" conversations.
He's had to learn that sometimes I struggle to ask directly for things. We've had a lot of "you're allowed to have wants" conversations.
It also means that I tend to "take point" in social situations together, because a lot of Texas is very Guess Culture and he struggles to not come off as rude or too direct.
Yet when we're in Ask Culture spaces, he has to do a lot of the talking for me.
Yet when we're in Ask Culture spaces, he has to do a lot of the talking for me.
I hesitate to call either of the cultures bad or unhealthy, but....Guess Culture has been very bad for me. It's an easy way to keep marginalized folks quiet and downtrodden, when we can't ask for our needs but have to cater to others'.
Though, again, we had a hugely toxic Ask Culture friend so neither are abuse-proof.
My best advice is to echo @McNutcase on this thread: Ask, but verbally affirm that 'it's okay to say no'. (And then BE HONEST about that and accept any 'no' you get.)
Guessers won't always believe you at first, so you may need to gently remind/model that it's safe.
Guessers won't always believe you at first, so you may need to gently remind/model that it's safe.
FINAL THOUGHTS that didn't fit neatly in the thread:
1. In my experience, Guess Culture really only works in tight-knit situations where you know people well enough to reasonably guess what they want. Family, church: Yes. Work: Eh? Less so?
1. In my experience, Guess Culture really only works in tight-knit situations where you know people well enough to reasonably guess what they want. Family, church: Yes. Work: Eh? Less so?
2. Guess Culture has one thing that Ask Culture doesn't: an urgency scale. If someone asks in a Guess Culture, there is an Emergency and you know it. People used to Ask Culture need to have that urgency scale added verbally.
Like, when my mother says "Can you help me with this?" she's currently about to drop a glass vase on the kitchen floor and I need to RUN.
When Kissmate says "Can you help me with this?" he might mean RIGHT NOW or he could me the next time you get up, or even Saturday. No idea.
When Kissmate says "Can you help me with this?" he might mean RIGHT NOW or he could me the next time you get up, or even Saturday. No idea.
When you're a Guesser (me) dealing with an Asker (him) that means I've had to learn to add "OH GOD HURRY" to my requests because he doesn't know to mentally add "+10 urgency" to the fact that I asked for help.
3. Even in Ask Culture, not all asks are the same. There's a big difference between asking to stay for dinner (because the worse they can say is no) and asking a friend for nudes (because the worse they can say is no) or whatever.
I mention this because some people will use Ask Culture as an excuse to be an asshole, and that's toxic.
I also mention it because sometimes people act like Ask Culture is "more intuitive" than Guess Culture, but... it still has unspoken rules of etiquette! C'mon.
I also mention it because sometimes people act like Ask Culture is "more intuitive" than Guess Culture, but... it still has unspoken rules of etiquette! C'mon.
4. RESPECT NO WHEN YOU HEAR IT.
That goes for either culture, but especially for people who claim to be Ask Culture but then punish you for saying no. Ask Culture only works if people really *can* say no to your asks.
That goes for either culture, but especially for people who claim to be Ask Culture but then punish you for saying no. Ask Culture only works if people really *can* say no to your asks.
5. While Guess Culture can lead to people unwilling to ever ask for a single need (it me), Ask Culture can backfire into that guy who asks for stuff all the time and you're super overwhelmed by it.
I don't have an answer for this, just... it's a Thing?
I don't have an answer for this, just... it's a Thing?
Like, we talk a lot about how Guess Culture can be unhealthy (and it can be! it utterly wrecked me and I'm still unpacking shit years later!) but Ask Culture can be unhealthy too if you're constantly having to field requests from Fun Bob.
I had a friend of a friend who would straight up ask things like "You seem nicer than my flatmate, can I come live with you and be ur new roommate?" of people he barely knew. Every interaction with him was a flurry of requests, with no way to gauge urgency, and it was exhausting.
It was "safe" to say no to him, but constantly having to do so was its own kind of draining, and it was socially awkward to have to fend off so many requests.
So/but/yeah, Ask Culture isn't a utopia. There's still stuff you have to navigate, unspoken rules, and so forth.
So/but/yeah, Ask Culture isn't a utopia. There's still stuff you have to navigate, unspoken rules, and so forth.
6. If you're an Asker, a Guesser can absolutely start to feel taken advantage of because...it feels like you're abusing the system?
You "know" they can't say no, and you're abusing that to ask for things! (Even if you don't know that at all.)
You "know" they can't say no, and you're abusing that to ask for things! (Even if you don't know that at all.)
So, again, appending that it's okay to say no to your requests is a good thing to do. And if the other person starts seeming flustered or like they don't want to say yes, pay attention to that! Soft no's are valid.
Here's a reminder about "soft no's" and how a lot of abuse is predicated by people who pretend not to understand them. So please be aware of that, no matter what your Ask/Guess culture! https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/
This thread got more traction than I expected but here's a good thread from Rook on why Ask/Guess doesn't shake down easily along ND/NT lines. https://twitter.com/Rook_Stone/status/1309639665381564417
I'm autistic and often find it *terrifying* when people ask me for things. I find Guess Culture far more intuitive. Which brings me to:
Shepherd has a good thread on why one might call it "Offer" rather than Guess, depending on what you're used to. https://twitter.com/NeolithicSheep/status/1309623090213728257
and Marissa points out that BOTH cultures depend heavily on context cues, which (I add) often require familiarity with the culture in order to pick up. https://twitter.com/MarissaLingen/status/1309635660689674241?l
So yeah, it's a lot more complicated than one way or another being Bad/Good, or NT/ND, or idk Leo/Virgo. Muting this thread now because my mentions are exploding! 
One last thing: There's almost certainly more "cultures" than Ask and Guess!! We don't need to create another false binary and fit everyone into one of two things.
