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Having mostly friends from the other side of the world makes nights super lonesome. They're all asleep by now and I just sit here letting my mind fill with anxieties and just bottled up misery. They're a good distraction from so much pain that when they're not here, I crumble.
Sorry for the sad tweet, I'm just feeling extra down tonight. I feel everyone can relate in some way though, we have all felt like this at least once or twice.
I think I really have to start working on myself though. I rely on other people too much for happiness that when I'm alone, I'm at my absolute worst mentally. That's not good. At all.
Being happy during this time in the world is hard but always put yourself first if you possibly can. I find I never really do that. I'm always pressuring myself to never stop working, drawing, studying etc that when I stop, I discipline myself when I really shouldn't.
I want to be better, I want to be the best I can possibly be so when I take breaks or relax, my mind attacks me, telling me I'm doing something wrong. Not only does this increase my stress but it also leads me down a dark road. I just can't relax. I can't take a break.
I guess when I'm with friends they help me see past this. They help me forget everything and the calm my anxieties. They allow me to have a break. They tell me it's ok to just play games, to laugh, to cry... It's my escape. It's my happiness.
In saying that, I need to be happy without them. I need to work on myself to not rely on them. I need to rely on myself. I've never been able to, I've never seen myself as good enough. But, I'm going to try harder. This pain is just getting a little too much for me.
I need to learn to love myself again. I need to learn rely on myself. I need to learn that being alone is ok, that I am ok. I am living and breathing right now, the main person I need right now in my life is me, and if I can't rely on her then I've failed.
I needed to get that off my chest. I'm a goose and get all sad sometimes-- especially when I'm at my loneliest. Doesn't help I have problems with reaching out to people too due my anxiety. But I'm ok and that's what matters right now!
If anyone gets anything from this disaster of a thread, just know that you're amazing, you have to believe in yourself, rely on yourself more and love yourself!
Once you hit rock bottom, the only direction you can go is up!
Once you hit rock bottom, the only direction you can go is up!
