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rant/vent, tw drugs, sh, ed, suicide, death// im so sick of the culture around drugs on tiktok. its not cute. at the start of this summer i smoked weed on occasion. slowly i found my way onto drug tiktok. they made it seem so fun i had no idea what i was getting into. over (1/?)
the weeks i started smoking more, and getting involved deeper and deeper in the drug scene. i couldn't go a day without getting high. that was where the trouble started. i had been getting a TON of vids of xans and coke on my tiktok, and when i couldn't get weed and needed (2/?)
that high, i started chasing it via other drugs. of course i started with the ones i saw on tiktok. it made it feel normal, ok, the drugs i'd never done felt familiar bcus i was so exposed to them. all the while tiktok fed more and more "all i care ab is mainting a high" (3/?)
"if you don't smoke at least an 8th a day" "i do coke bcus it makes me skinny" content down my impressionable throat. then it became more than just the high. the way i lost weight via coke was like "amazing" to me. druggie chic had been so romanticized for me that there was (4/?)
nothing i wanted more than to lose weight. it added another layer of addiction onto my several growing addictions. the deeper i dove, the further i fell mentally. when i couldn't get high i felt like killing myself there was nothing to live for. i turned from subs to cutting(5/?)
when i couldn't get my hands on anything. i had been clean from cutting for over half a year. still tiktok was there cradling my addiction, and hushing my brain when i thought maybe this isn't normal. but i was sure it was, so many ppl on tiktok talk ab it like its so fun (6/?)
maybe i should've know something was wrong when i knew it wasn't fun. i didn't really want to get high but i did anyway, i was snorting coke at family cook outs and posting ab it like it was funny, and none of my friends did anything bcus they were addicted like me. (7/?)
i surrounded myself with unhealthy ppl bcus they were the only ones who would get high with me and that was all i wanted to do. things got worse with them, i remember the night one of my friends was completely passed out in the drain on the side of the road, it was dark and (8/?)
i was shaking him, i couldn't get him up. i thought he was dead. i swore he was dead. in my intoxicated state i couldn't find a pulse although now i know one was there. i had no clue what to do. i was so high and i thought my friend was dead on the ground from an od. (9/?)
i remember sitting down next to what i thought was his corpse, alone on that road in the middle of the night. there were no tears. i was too high to cry. but sat with him laying face down, and in my pocket there was weed and the first thing i thought was i needed to smoke (10/?)
so my head would be clear and i could properly handle the situation. that night was the scariest of my life. we sat there on the side of the road for hours. I couldn't leave him, and i knew when someone found him and i it would be over, my life would be over. and sitting (11/?)
there thinking that and lighting up a joint, i was like "well im getting high for the last time before i have to kill myself. i thought i had to kill myself bcus i thought my friend was dead and it was my fault. the feeling when he stirred was unlike any other in the world (12/?)
that was my drug induced rock bottom. (besides from the time my friend and i were off xans and we beat the shit out of each other bcus we couldn't feel a thing.) that night was when i knew, this isn't something fun, even if tiktok makes it out to be. maybe i'm stupid for (13/?)
letting that app trick me into thinking it was ok, but after that night i deleted it. recently i redownloaded it and the first thing on my fyp was ab coke ods, and someone was laughing ab it. talking ab the one they survived and talking ab how they still did coke. i thought(14/?)
my friend had died of a coke + several other subs but mainly coke overdose. it wasn't funny. it wasn't quirky. i am still traumatized by it. i dream of the headlights that drove past us and his body on the ground. i relapsed trying to od a dew days ago, and i feel the urge (15/?)
to relapse clawing at me, but i will never let myself do that again, i will never sink that low again. maybe that's why i made this thread, to remind myself of those lows to keep me away from drugs drugs aren't fun or cool, they will suck you dry of every emotion or care (16/17)
you have and replace it with the constant need to get high. and you will hate everything but drugs, they'll be impossible to escape. ik most of the romanticizers on tiktok haven't experienced tragedy, but those videos were the catalyst to mine. stay safe, never touch hard drugs.
(17/17) end
