For some reason, I feel like sharing this problem I've had my whole life...

Wristwatches.

I can't wear them. And it's not because of my twig-like wrists, but because at all times, ALL TIMES, I am aware That I Have a Watch On. There is a thing on my arm. And it's a watch.

"Hey," every nerve ending in my wrist says to me, over and over, "hey, you got a watch on me. Just wanted to check in. Watch still here. Still there. Kind of itches. I think it's a little tight. Man, is it just me, or am I getting weirdly sweaty under this watch here? Yeah."

"Thanks for loosening the watch that is here. I dunno. Maybe it's a little too loose. Now whenever I'm moving around, it's rattling around."

"Oh hey, hello, right hand! Come to check out this watch? Hey, you're fidgeting with the watch. Stop it. Stop messing with it. Hey. HEY."

"Hey brain, can you tell Right Hand to stop fucking with this watch? Stop it! Why do you keep fussing with this uncomfortable hunk of metal and plastic? What is the matter with you? QUIT IT."

"Oh hey, this watch looks nice. And it's got a metal wristband, which is good. The plastic one made me sweat. Oh OW. OW. OW FUCK, the hair on your forearms is pinched in the- AH AH OW"

"This is your fault, you know. James Bond wears a wristwatch all the fucking time. Fucking everyone has one."

And here's the other thing: I hate reading analog clocks. I'm not stupid. I know how to DO it. But I still have to fucking do it.

I want to know what time it is. I will consult this wrist-mounted sundial. It only takes a couple of seconds, but JUST BE DIGITAL.

And then there's the watches that barely have any markings. All of a sudden finding out what time it is becomes a subjective experience, and when you want to know what time it is, your watch says "Uh... it's three...ish?"

And these are beautiful watches, a lot of the time, but when I look at a watch, I want to know what fucking time it is as opposed to "ooo pretty!"

In fact, it seems like any kind of analog watch, the more expensive and more attractive they get, it seems like the less you actually care what time it is.

Like here: this is a Rolex. I'm legitimately on the verge of a panic attack just looking at this thing. What the shit is all this? It's like you've got watches in your watch. I feel like you took an entire airplane's control panel and made it into a watch.

I think to myself "I wonder what time it is," and the watch responds "WELL YOU ARE CURRENTLY FACING NORTH-NORTHEAST WITH BAROMETRIC PRESSURE OF MONDAY THE 18TH AND YOU ARE MOVING AT A CONSTANT SPEED OF 55 KILOMETRES PER HOUR SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS IN MPH 6-ISH IN DENVER"

"But I'm in Aurora--"

"I KNOW I KNOW I'M JUST SAYING ALSO I HAVE ECO-DRIVE AND THAT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER SO IT WILL ALWAYS BE HERE I HAVE ECO-DRIVE AND I'M WATER RESISTANT TO 200 METERS I HAVE A STOPWATCH DO YOU NEED A STOPWATCH I'M SORRY WHAT WAS THE QUESTION"

"ALSO I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE CLEVER NOT TO SHOW EVERY NUMBER EXCEPT THE CARDINAL NUMBERS I MEAN I ASSUME YOU KNOW 12, 3, 6 BUT WHEN IT'S 10 YOU WILL KNOW TONIGHT THE MOON WILL BE WAXING GIBBOUS ALERT SONAR CONTACT TORPEDO TORPEDO TORPEDO"

"Hey Casio wha--"

Casio: "It's 10:58. 10:59 now."

Casio 2: "Hey, I actually WAS the watch that James Bond wore that one time and it's definitely 10:59, Sunday and here is a map of the world sort of this map will always be here at the very top. I felt that was important enough to devote a third of the screen just for that."

I simply don't understand why every watch has to ALWAYS have stuff printed on the face like "WATER RESIST" "CHRONOGRAPH"-- like I'll forget what this thing I have on my arm is-- also "ILLUMINATOR", which I can't stress enough that this watch has an ILLUMINATOR.

I mean, "ILLUMINATOR" is at the very top and literally the biggest word on the fucking watch. Oh, it has an ILLUMINATOR? Like every other watch has? Oh thank god.

"LUCIUS I NEED A WATCH BUT LIKE ONE THAT TELLS WHAT TIME IT IS LIKE A DOUCHEBAG LIKE

08
40

I'M BATMAN

"I say, I couldn't help but overhear you, and I have to say when you get right down to it, time is an abstract concept. You shouldn't let yourself be bound to strict schedules. You ask me what time it is, and I say, "my friend, the time is now."

Alright I'm done.

I'm so utterly lonesome. Might as well be fuck-it o'clock for all the demands on my schedule.

I suppose when you're super wealthy you don't really need to concern yourself with knowing the time. You just pay someone else to come get you when you have to be someplace.

And really, Oreo is pretty good at that. She always gets a snacco at 4 PM, and I have no idea how she knows this, but give or take 5 minutes, she knows when it's snacco time.

She's remarkably polite about it, too. I'll be putzing around on my computer and she walks in, sits politely near my chair and deliberately wags her tail *just* loudly enough that I can hear *wssh wssh wssh."