Gah OK, *my* aversion to cuddle piles *is* rooted in a probably-unhealthy touch aversion with non-intimate partners, sure

I *do* think I would benefit from understanding that discomfort better— other people don’t seem to have it, and I do envy them that

(Touchy introspection)

TLDR overall, I’m pretty sure my aversion to being touched by people who aren’t already really close is some sort of built-up trauma response to a lot of historical touch-boundary crossing, but where maybe I was just a little hypersensitive to it already, like as a kid

Also: what I’m picturing by “cuddle puddle” is 3+ other people, at least some of whom are people I “don’t know that well” and would not want to have sex with.

(This isn’t *really* a cuddle puddle take, it’s just trying to understand my own aversion)

Also @_StevenFan asked about the phenomenology of hugging

So, picturing myself joining cuddle pile, what is the “I don’t want to”?

If I “feel into it” I have a shit-ton of memories come up of people touching me when I didn’t want them to and I felt some pressure to let them

- An early one is my grandma hugging me and her glasses would smash into my face, haha

- early 20s, some random homeless man blocking my path and opening his arms for a hug and I just kind of *did* in some weak, conflict-avoidant way

- Several memories of men on public transport

- Guy at party pulling me down onto the ground and telling me I was going to have sex with him

- even recently my kid’s friend’s dad would text me “hey lady” and ask for hugs at like kid school events (*no one* hugs at these)

After I started refusing hugs (just kind of put my hand out), the next time he tried hugging *my kids* first and then going to me, like a progression

(This was a recent anger situation @Elodes12 :)

A bunch of others that involve women— I don’t mean to give the impression these all involve men, just a lot that stand out most strongly do

And a bunch that are totally normal touch— vet’s office, restaurant, coworkers etc

And I don’t mean to suggest these things *are* all the same— just that I do have them all associated with the same internal feeling, of being touched while not wanting it

Anyway those are some of the apparently bundled memories that I can retrieve if I focus on “I don’t want to be touched”, remembering them all together was actually kind of intense

Note I’m not *equating* them all as equally bad or smth

But why would touch be *unwanted* at all?

Some associated feelings there:

- not trusting that they will stop, instead of progressing/keep touching more
- that they want something/connection/emotion from me I don’t want to give
- uncertainty about the intent of the touching, often

(Those feelings were no longer associated with imagining a cuddle puddle or smth— just all other times I was touch-averse)

Maybe it is just actually kind of hard for some people to enforce touch boundaries so they need to trust that others just won’t go near them?

I still struggle with it. There is immense social pressure to hug people if they want it (public refusal of a hug is hard!)

So I can imagine people saying “Ha! Imagine not being able to tell people to fuck off when you don’t want to hug them, how weak!”

Fair enough. Was just a fact of my life that it was hard for me to do and still is

Some of the cuddle puddle situations/discourse feels similar— I do perceive “if you don’t want to cuddle people you don’t know you’re just insecure/image-concerned” as an (unintended) social pressure to relax touch boundaries that I have (regardless of *why* I have them)

These don’t really feel like “insecurities” (in the sense that term is usually used)— or like image problems either. And FWIW I am high-openness generally...

Something to work on? Yes, absolutely, but... just not in a big group all at once

It’s also true that I don’t have touching and sex very well separated (with men at least). That is partly cultural stuff, partly direct memories, partly just human sexuality stuff

It does still amount to not really wanting to touch people I’m not already intimate with

So I think maybe *some* of the anti-cuddle resentment could be from feeling pressured to do things that push too hard against some personal boundaries (setting aside the question of whether those boundaries “should” be there)?

I am genuinely glad for people who feel comfortable with close platonic touch with many people at once! I am glad that this is a positive experience for them, and happy to hear people having touch experiences that make them feel good!

Some people will have good/bad reasons, s’ok

I’m not saying that comfort in cuddle puddles is/should be a goal of mine or smth— I am extremely touchy and affectionate one-on-one with partners, and feel pretty fulfilled by that

People are great, I can really like them, and still *not want to touch them*! I’m ok with this!

And really I feel like for me, at this particular point, saying a firm “Nope!” to any kind of touch I don’t want *for any reason at all* is exactly the correct thing for me to be doing— not *more* pressuring myself into touching I don’t genuinely, fully want

(Also: other people probably have entirely different associations/memories/whatever with touch, I’m just sharing *one case* of what it feels like might be going on internally)