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A thread (tw: suicide and mental illness): I have bipolar disorder and am on meds. Even so, midway through the writing of this project, I fell deep into a massive depressive episode that I couldnât claw my way out of. Iâve had bad ones and this was one of the worst.
I couldnât go more than an hour or so without dissolving into body-wracking sobs. I couldnât eat. I couldnât think. I started fearing getting in the car because I would dream of driving it off the side of the road and killing myself. Once, I left a sketch shoot fully intending
to crash my car on the way home and only didnât follow through because I didnât want my friend, whoâd worked alongside me, to shoulder the burden of being the last person to see me alive. I didnât want to hurt her and I resented her for it.
When Iâve felt suicidal, itâs always with a complete disregard for myself and a crushing sense of duty to others. I find it unfair that I am not âallowedâ to die just because it might hurt my family or friends. Why do they want me to suffer for them?
I didnât want to ruin my friendsâ and familyâs lives by killing myself but I didnât want to have to live just because of them. I was lucky to have people who cared, but inside, I hated it. The more someone cared, the more angry and despondent I became.
I reached out to a suicide hotline. Everything they said was trite, obvious, canned. Ironically, the project I was working on during this time was about mental health. Indy, the main character of APOCALYPSE UNTREATED, has the same type of bipolar disorder I have - Bipolar II.
The character of Arlo is the voice of my suicidal ideation. When I was writing AU, I thought a lot about portrayals of bipolar disorder or mental illness as dangerous â the movie Midsommar (which I loved but contains a confusing ableist portrayal of bipolar) and the movie Split.
I eventually finished this project with the help of the extremely talented @bishilarious who wrote every funny joke in this thing. After increasing my meds and reaching out to friends and my sister and intentionally not overdosing even though I wanted to,
(tw: disordered eating) I took what I was going through and channeled it into AU. (And I had to take a break while writing this because being productive is hard when you want to die.) Through the show, Arlo and Indy speak words I myself have thought and spoken countless times.
I used my warped perspective during suicidal ideation to make the arguments I was making in my head â and then hopefully dispute them. The other characters will hopefully provide other perspectives, for example, the jock Teo gives voice to my disordered eating.
It is very hard when your own brain lies to you. And meds are not the be all, end all. Even on meds, many of us still struggle. Bipolar disorder is not a straight line to recovery. What does recovery even mean? Never back-sliding? Thatâs impossible to predict.
I know this is a difficult listen for some so no pressure but it's out today! http://adbl.co/apocalypse
I want to thank my incredible director Joy Smith. My staff writer and the person who wrote every funny joke in this thing @bishilarious. (Seriously, Mal laughed at two things in the pilot and both were written by Brittani.) My talented cast @chanel__ali ali who was in every scene
and performed with enthusiasm and heart. @jestom a whiz and wunderkind whose tweets make me guffaw. @adamfaison who is literally a natural star who will blow up soon. The super funny, super talented actors @ericuddy @qaasimofficial @attagirlrach Alexandra Bonesho @audible_com
It was so surreal watching you all bring this beast to life. @audible_com The humor is very dark. I've found that even during hard times, people are funny. If you can, itâd be helpful to give it a review!
A woman named Jane already hated it but she gives 2 stars to everything she listens too so now Iâm just intrigued like Jane whatâs your deal?? Are you ok, Jane??
As for the humor, I specifically wanted to make sure none of the mental illnesses are the butt of the joke and that friendship prevails over stereotypes. Bipolar and schizophrenia do not make someone a murderer. People with "negative" diagnoses are not beyond help or left behind.
Leave your favorite mental health resources below for those reading and listening. Anything helpful would be great. Thank you to everyone who has commented sharing your own stories. @audible_com - http://adbl.co/apocalypse
