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OK, I've been looking long and hard at the new BMW M3 and M4 (and the 4 Series in general) and I've come to a conclusion. The grille(s) is (are) not the problem.
Oh, they're awful, and look like they were badly stuck on at the last minute, but I'm starting to think that they might be a distraction from the true horrors.
Look around the back, specifically at the relationship between the rear wheel, the rear arch, the overhang, and the glass house. There's a LOT going on there. Specifically, a LOT of metalwork.
Far too much metalwork if you ask me. The 4 Series in general, and this M4, are staggeringly porky - 1,700-odd-kilos for the M4. And I think I know why…
It used to be that a two-door coupe was a distinct model, and one that had one job to do - to look gorgeous. Even as recently as the first-gen 4 Series, that was the case. Take a 3 Series and make it lower, leaner, hungrier.
I suspect BMW (and others) has been listening to closely to marketing clinics and has tried to make the 4 Series all cars to all people. A two-door shape, with four-door space (or something close to it) and a big boot. Why? Surely if you need space, you buy the 3 Series?
Also, the damnable trend for 'fast' rising windowlines on everything (even SUVs, which is just daft) means that there's even more metal needed to fill in the gap between the top of the wheel and the bottom of the window.
Part of this is down to safety. We need more space between the outside of the metal and the occupants' elbows, and thicker, heavier pillars to not merely absorb impacts (as in the case of the front, or A, pillars) but also to act as load paths, channelling the impact forces…
…around and away from the occupants. Which is all well and good, and we're thankful for it, but combine that with the all-cars to all-people packaging requirements, and you get... bulk. Avoirdupois. Chubbiness. (I speak as a chubby person myself, there's no fat-shaming here.)
Next, let's look at where the controversial grilles came from. They came from this, Marcello Gandini's Garmish concept car.
You can immediately see, minus the grilles, where the early eighties 5 Series and 7 Series got their handsome lines from. Notice also the trim body sides and tall, airy glasshouse.
Without major investments in new tech and materials it's hard to see how you could recreate that kind of delicate surfacing and taut body panels on a modern car. Forget the thin pillars and big windows too - modern cars are built like, and increasingly resemble, tanks.
How do we get away from this? I honestly don't know, but not all are guilty. Audi's current A5 has a nice, neat, flat window-line, similar packaging to a 4 Series, but disguises its bulk much better. Then again, it's a simpler, less complex shape, which probably helps.
Mercedes gets around the problems by dramatically tapering the rear of the C-Class Coupe, almost like a 1930s streamliner from some angles, which looks great, although it doesn't entirely disguise the mass on display.
I fear what BMW has done is to try and hide the bulk in complexity and then nailed on the Gandini grilles in an effort to either distract or simply because they thought Gandini- = good.
Forgetting, it would seem, that the odd grilles look fine on the Garmish concept because everything else is so right, so delicately balanced. They become an interesting accessory, rather than a central tenet.
There's no easy solution. Fixing this requires a wholesale change of styling direction, and a recognition that you need to start from scratch with simple, elegant lines, then add the character lines and frills.
And preferably follow the rule of thumb of accessories - put on all that you like and then take off half of them before leaving the house. Gandini's elegance was built-in, not bolted on. You have to start from the basics.
Thank you for coming to my car styling TED talk. I, personally, couldn't design a house-brick, so please bear that in mind. I’m an un-married marriage counsellor, so to speak.
Also, I did a 22-hour day yesterday and had three hours’ sleep. I should probably go lie down.
