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I understand the anger, the feeling of hopelessness prolly better than most but I don& #39;t think communities should be burned down or targeted over these issues. Once upon a time I wanted to watch the world burn, my anger had no bounds, but I learned something from all that.
The more I fed into my anger my pain my emotions the more it destroyed me internally. I wanted others to feel my internal pain because I felt my life was an unfair hell I could not free myself from. I was powerless. & in order to restore my power I thought killing ppl would help.
Mind you I was 15, 16 getting wrapped up in ganglife. In my head were the visuals of murder, insanity, setting society and the world ablaze with my rage. I had visited mental asylums for my brother as a baby, I was lonely, had little to no PRODUCTIVE people helping me.
These factors among many others could& #39;ve turned me into a monster, it was turning me into one. I wanted my name to be Monstro, what everybody looked at me & thought of me as already. I figured I wasnt going to live long anyways, might as well make the most of my campaign of pain.
One night though I was chiilin with my homies in the hood park, it was me and my main carnal. The homies were kickin it drinking smokin etc. One of the homie& #39;s moms showed up tho, unbeknownst to me at first I figured she was some homeless tweaker before my carnal told me whats up
Now Im 16 or so years old filled with rage pain & trauma. And Im looking at this woman who& #39;s face says it all. This woman had endured stress, pain, trauma etc. I couldnt fucken imagine. At the most she was my mom& #39;s age (40s) but she looked so jaded you could see the life fading.
Anyways she starts telling us how the cops were talking shit to her about having to chase her sons all over the hood and that she should stop pumping em out cause they& #39;re tired of tryna catch em. While she& #39;s telling me this she& #39;s laughing & pulls out a sack of crystal meth.
She offers it to me at first which I politely refuse to indulge in. My carnal on the other hand cant wait to get some in his bloodstream. So he starts breaking down the bits to snort em on his phone while she keeps asking me when am I gonna get jumped into the hood.
I try to play it off at first saying I just came to kick it as I felt uncomfortable with a woman I just barely met asking me if Ive made the decision to become a gangmember, a pretty big life choice. Eventually she leaves and we go to where the homies at.
We smoking drinking etc. some homies leave others stay a while longer, some get into an argument so they end up leaving too. After a while it& #39;s me my carnal and two, three other homies kickin it at the tables in the parque. Cops roll up, the homies dip but me & my carnal stay put
Eventually one of the homies comes back cause he had put his 40 oz in the trash to hide it from the police then he takes off again. Meanwhile me and my boy just sitting there, tempting our fate with the cops. Eventually they pull off though, dont think they saw us there.
After a while of us talking and my boy tweaking out we move to the front of the park where the parking lot is. Next to the lot tho is a mini play area for the babies to be play at (we had been smoking blunts there not 30min ago) and start kickin it on the swings.
Bout an hour or so later, we decide to call it quits and dip out. That whole time we were there tho I was tryna wrap my head around what I was doing. What did I want? Cause this honestly wasnt what I truly wanted. I was tryna imagine a woman like that becoming my baby& #39;s mother.
I was tryna imagine my life behind a prison cell. My lifeless body on the pavement of a main block in the hood left in my own blood puddle. My hand holding a gun to another child& #39;s face and pulling the trigger, yelling "FUCK THE OTHER SIDE". Suddenly my anger vanished.
I didnt feel angry, what I felt was pain. Sadness. Misery. As I imagined myself pulling the trigger to kill an enemy, I imagined them thinking the same of me. Doing the same to me. All of us angry, miserable kids stuck in fucked up circumstances with nobody giving a shit.
I realized I didnt wanna be that monster anymore. I didnt wanna project my anger onto somebody else that didnt deserve it and who was probably just another fucken carbon copy of me. Young fucked up and ignorant to life and what this world has to offer.
As we walked away from the park, a paisa pulled up on his bicycle and started talking to my carnal in Spanish who translates upon the paisa leaving that a driveby had just happened on the next block. It tripped us out cause we didnt hear shit and it was DEAD silent in the park.
After that, my homie bids me farewell and walks to his house on the same block the park is on just a bit up the street. I however have to walk halfway across the city to get back to my house cause I didnt stay directly in the hood. It& #39;s 4:30am and no police are anywhere in sight.
About halfway home, I come to a major intersection of the city where two big main streets meet each other. There& #39;s no cars, no police, no people, for what seems like miles and miles and miles. I walk into the middle of the intersection & take in the air of the moment.
Had someone else been out there watching me they would& #39;ve prolly thought this kid is a fucken weirdo, but for me it was a momentary feeling of freedom. I had control over my own fate. Maybe I could do something better with myself, maybe this gangbanging shit isnt the way to go.
I went home that night with a different feeling within myself to this day I can& #39;t accurately describe, but something had changed. This seed of hope that had been planted within myself loooooooong ago as a child was beginning to sprout, and my life took on a different path.
