randomly kinda sappy thread: when i started getting treatment for ptsd a few months ago, it was like my brain got put in a blender - when i started the rewiring part of it last month, it was like someone turned up the knob, & it’s been hard. my mind became like swiss cheese

this type of program has you retraumarize your brain so that it can become rewired. it has a wild name that i don’t remember. i do it for an hour and a half, every week. it’s like a brain injury, kind of - but not physically

i forget to talk to people, i forget names and events, i forget what i ate for breakfast. sometimes it takes me three hours to get out of bed; some nights i don’t sleep. i feel like this weird shell of myself (i promise this gets happier)

my brain is often all i feel like i have. my ability to remember, to be kind and social, to be able to engage in conversations and read books - and it feels, right now, like that’s all gone. i have to relearn skills - i do puzzles & play with blocks to build up neuroplasticity

the point is that recovery is really hard and a lot of it sucks, and it sucks to do when i can’t see my friends or be in community with others, and it especially sucks when i have a hard time doing virtual social engagements. but tonight i made a recipe completely from memory

i made chocolate chip cookies, a recipe i’ve made a hundred times, without looking at a recipe. it was kind of like my hands just took over - it’s the first time i feel like i’ve been able to do something from start to finish like i used to; it almost felt...easy

the world is so, so bad, and it’s felt weird to acknowledge that my brain is bad because it feels like such small potatoes compared to everything else. but i am acknowledging it because tonight i made cookies from memory and remembered to brush my teeth for a week straight

be good to each other this thread got long and i’m nowhere near done but i’m somewhere better than i was before and shit, i make some damn good cookies