One day we are going to talk about hyper-sexuality after sexual assault.

I’m going to bookmark this tweet and make it a thread one of these days.

Okay that day is today because people need to hear it. Bear with me this might be a long thread.

I first sexually assaulted when I was 11.
I had done nothing sexual whatsoever and then that part of my life and my experience was taken from me.

In my mind, I thought “if a man is willing to take it from me, I must need to give it. “ this thought would change later but

At the time this was the thinking as I was 11.

I became more sexual. I still didn’t have sex and did minimal things. But my persona became more sexual, I was more of a tease, and a flirt. I was “all talk” so to say. And this gave me the reputation of the school whore even tho

I hadn’t really done much of anything with anyone.

This added to things in an “Easy A” sort of way. If they’re gonna call me that, and I can’t escape it, might as well embrace it.

Then, I was raped.

Trigger warning!!!!!! These screenshots have graphic details

I haven’t ever shared these details but I think it’s important for people to understand that you can go through something horrific and still become hyper sexual as a result

Now my thought process became:

“If I give it to them, they won’t have to take it, and I won’t be raped again”

It was absolutely a defense mechanism and for awhile it was also a way to bring power back into my hands. Something that had been stripped of me. But

I wouldn’t fully embrace that thinking until I was raped again when I was 18 at fort hood by a fellow soldier.
This poem in my first book is about that night.

I was broken. Utterly broken.

I had put so much effort into learning to protect and defend myself, being a strong woman, and not trusting men in vulnerable situations.

But he was my battle buddy, he was supposed to be willing to die for me nonetheless defend me.

The military brainwashes you to blindly trust one another because it’s mission essential when shit hits the fan.

He was in the same sharp classes I was, he wasn’t even one of the ones who laughed it off.

How could I know?

After this I started college and my mentality fully switched to “sex is power. Sex is manipulation. Sex is my greatest weapon”

I would seek out the worst men I could find. The douche bags, the assholes, the ones who couldn’t keep their hands to themselves.

I would “fuck’em and forget’Em” and with this psychology a lot of them got hung up on me. Caught feelings and I would callously ghost as if I never existed.

Sex was my power and I wanted those men to understand what it felt like to be used so they wouldn’t do it to others

This is something I’ve never talked about. But it’s important.

It was partly a defense mechanism as sometimes they weren’t people i sought out, they were men who were getting too handsy. My fight or flight was to “consent” so I didn’t have to be raped again

This wasn’t okay

But this all put the control back in my hands. I needed to feel like my sexuality was my choice and not only my choice but my greatest asset.

It was the rational to try and make sense of why someone would strip me of it.

It must be my greatest asset or else they wouldn’t have

And so my vulnerability became my selling point so that I could protect my heart, my dignity, and my sanity.

But it didn’t work, it never works, it’s a defense mechanism and it’s because we are hurting and lost and so scared of being violated again.

You are not a whore, you are not worthless, you are not less than for your hyper sexuality.

Have sex with 10 people or 100 it will not change your value.

But please, seek therapy and make sure that your sexuality is your own and not stemming from a trauma reaction

You are loved and my DM’s are now back open. I hope this helps survivors heal and ally’s understand.