Fuck it, security engineering teams as D&D classes:

First, and most importantly because it's what *I* do, SecOps are your paladin tanks. They have to be burly enough to do IR work, SRE work, and talk to people. They are OP and have beefy legs from carrying both all of the technical debt burdens and their own massive balls

DFIR are barbarians, rage is how they manage to be the eye in the storm and Get Shit Done, especially if that shit is "kicking a lot of malicious ass very thoroughly." Lots of overlap with the SecOps paladins and yes I'm saying that because I'm SecOps and IR, what of it

Appsec are warlocks. They made a pact at some point to meld together dev work and security work and we are lucky they use that power for good. Charisma because they have to talk to H1 reporters, and they took Pact of the Tome because they're ~~cross functional~~

Threat hunters are rangers, if you didn't wanna be rangers maybe don't put the word "hunt" in your title. Anyway you're using your knowledge to track your foes through the environment, you are good at camouflage and waiting, and you're low-key underrated imho

Detection engineers are monks, if you've ever legitimately tracked a killchain and found six ways to stop the attack, then written the rules to do that, you're a monk using ki. Flurry of Blows is just a spectacular ruleset that includes auto-remediation

Threat Intel are fighters because of all the extra ATT&CK(s)

Compliance are bards, they have a way with words and know how things gotta be communicated between the business, the ~~law~~, and the other teams. If you get compliance bardic inspiration on your side for a project, it's GREAT. Not good in battle but A+ for support

Speaking of support, customer/user/field support/security are all a bunch of multiclass bards and wizards, they have to cover a MULTITUDE of disciplines and do it well, and then be fucking nice to everyone they talk to. They are extremely versatile and WAY underrated, love y'all

Trust and Safety/Anti-Abuse teams are clerics, they're v smart and have ways to detect all the bullshit (sorry did someone say Zone of Truth?). They're siblings with the SecOps paladin and wield a (ban) hammer so you WILL get pummelled into the earth if you cross them

Network security are a bunch of druids, you've become one with the packets and the cables and either have great taste in shoes or refuse to wear shoes. Your knowledge of BGP is bananas. Your domain is on-prem environments and you play well with the rangers and monks

Reverse engineers and malware analysts are both sorcerers, the assembly is in your blood and IDA is one of your parents. You're def draconic bloodline and those who wanna be you but are jerks about it are wild magic and probably turned themselves purple.

Red team are your typical rogues, they don't know anything but be sneaky and (have the potential to) do copious amounts of damage when they aren't detected. The best red teamers are Inquisitive and have stupidly high insight. You're cool but everyone wants to be you which is

Pentesters are wizards. Straight-up. The school can be anything: you look at a pentest report and tell me that isn't straight-up divination, AND that report feels like someone cast fireball in a small room. High-key scary & awesome. Lots of people wanna be you but ain't you

Security Automation are artificers, you tinker with things and bring everyone else your new inventions because you're secretly a dev. You'd be a wizard if you weren't busy being a mad scientist. You don't contribute much to the fight but you add buffs and I appreciate that

I probably forgot certain niches but idc. I also didn't count specific non-engineering roles because this is my thread and I can do what I want

"Marley there are real problems" and this distracted me during a shitty day, don't @ me