Hi, this is the police, texting you one hour in advance under our new rules of engagement to let you know we'll be swinging by for a raid. If you feel like shooting at us, would you kindly ask unarmed residents of your home to clear your line of fire? Thanks in advance!

Hi, this is your 15-minute update on the upcoming raid. Quick reminder - we'll be knocking, ringing your doorbell, slipping a note under the door, and floating balloon animals outside your window to let you know we've arrived. Check the back of that note for a fun pizza coupon!

After your police raid is complete, we'll be sending you a brief survey so you can let us know how you enjoyed the experience. Be sure to indicate how many shots you fired, what caliber of bullet you used, and your preferred media narrative for how it was all our fault.

Thinking about starting a riot anyway? Sorry our customer service didn't meet your expectations, but the police department is excited to announce a new partnership with U-Haul to bring you discount prices on truck rental for distributing your Mostly Peaceful Protest supplies!

Please take a moment to rate your experience with these raid reminder messages (1 worst, 5 best):

1. Die, white supremacist pigs, die
2. F**k the police
3. Abolish the police
4. Defund the police
5. Reform the police