Talking to Strangers While Female, a short thread of ambivalence. Today, on a huge and empty sidewalk, walking home with my coffee, a man on a bike slowed to my pace and began to talk to me. I have feelings about this. Read on. 1/9

I'm a friendly person. I smile at people on the street, give the nod or wave to runners when we pass, in general understanding myself to be in an agora made nicer by non-wariness, in general. But sometimes, dudes freak me out. 2/9

Say hello. I say hello. But when some dude slows his bike down to ride beside and try to chat, I--honestly?--get scared. Every time. Is he going to murder me? Probably not. But could this get weird in a way that ends with him screaming FUCKING CUNT at me? Odds not negligible 3/9

This might seem overblown. But in my experience, every conversational turn after "hello" moves me deeper into a zone where dudes claim me. The more we say to each other, the more likely it is that when I stop the interaction, I'm going to get screamed at. 4/9

Every question I answer seems always to enmesh me deeper into some obligation to continue talking, that when I end it means I HAVE LED HIM ON AND WASTED HIS TIME. I don't mind saying hi. I am scared of what happens next. 5/9

I have learned to reciprocate a hello, because ignoring is also risky. But I have learned to say "hello" in a way that connotes "this is a greeting not an opening". I have practiced with my daughter to teach her how to do it. Usually it works, today it didn't 6/9

Did something terrible happen? No. That's kind of the point. I got more and more guarded, and ducked onto a street I wasn't heading for, to get away, because I was so nervous. Wary. THAT's the crux: I'm scared, and he's not, because I know this often goes sideways 7/9

When random dudes try to chat up random women there is no cost to it for them. But for the women--for me--it's very anxious, because all of us have at some point been yelled at, flipped off, chased. "Shoot your shot" means someone is a target. 8/9

I want to smile and say hi and be friendly. I don't want a stranger to match my pace, push the conversation when I clearly am answering unwillingly. I go into defense mode and it sours my whole outing. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. 9/9

Oh: addendum. I'm 47 years old. I hope to soon age out of this fuckery, but I have literally 35 years of these experiences and enough of them have been scary / terrible that I'm not here for your "not all men" because, sure, but there's enough of them.