i'm thinking about the first time t-word played YAIL for k-word... i'm emotional...

like, can you just imagine how nervous taylor would have been after wonderland, after reliving the whirlwind of her relationship with dianna and how anxious she would be about entering into another relationship with karlie where her love life has even more exposure??

like, she probably would have hesitated about playing it for karlie, wondering if it's too soon, if there's any point in saying it if she knows that there's a likeliness of it burning out or being torn apart. she would have been visibly nervous about playing this song for karlie.

karlie would have noticed, obviously, and would be approaching the whole thing with a playful attitude, methinks. her goal would have been to make taylor smile. she probably would have been worried herself, wondering why taylor is reluctant about this song but understanding.

there would have been something small that happened between them right before. small but significant. like, karlie would have placed her hand on top of taylor's and she would have smiled at her and then taylor would have smiled back and would know what choice to make.

then she would have taken a shaky breath and she would have hit play and karlie's hand would have never left hers the entire time. karlie would have been silent, she would have been wondering how taylor could have possibly been nervous or thought karlie wouldn't love the song.

and once the song came to an end, there would still be silence. just the two of them traversing the tranquility of big sur in liberating solitude. and just like in the song, where love was expressed through words, not actions, karlie would not have to speak for taylor to know.

karlie's hand would be in the same place it was before, only its presence would be felt so much more. she would have done something like draw circles on taylor's hand with her thumb or gently squeezed it and taylor would have given her a tiny smile.

taylor would not have taken her eyes off the road for long but her eyes would have met karlie's for a brief second and that's how they would have affirmed that everything was okay. i don't know if they would have cried but they would have at least been close.

the rest of the drive would have been largely made up of comfortable silence. taylor would have quietly hummed along to songs and karlie would have been privately mesmerized by every minute of it. then karlie would have told a bad joke and taylor would have laughed anyway.

and then just as taylor immortalized her affection for karlie in an unbreakable testament of words, karlie would have similarly made taylor her own by ratifying her as her daisy. not just through the IG post but through the true meaning of a daisy.

instagram posts are ultimately ephemeral but the unbending delicate quality of a daisy, its beauty, its weeds, its flaws, transcends far more than any social media acknowledgement could. that was her accepting every inch of taylor just as taylor accepted her.

ultimately, their relationship mimicked big sur in every possible way, ultimate and exposed yet so private too- every crevice hiding a magnificent secret. the whole world eventually heard YAIL and saw the daisy but in ways they would never understand.

it truly is their secret language they can't speak with anyone else because even if karlie and taylor told us everything about that trip, there would be unspoken feelings, unaired thoughts and fleeting touches that would have made the experience unique to only them.

there's a theme within YAIL of privacy and secrecy, seeing something in the dark, feeling something alone and on the way home. but the sheer, overwhelming urgency of the aforementioned love that speaks to a hope, a need that this can one day be expressed without fear.

one day, perhaps there will be a love song written that won't need to be covered up. a liberating attestation to freedom, to beauty, to all that can be found in big sur. and that exact thought is what brought a glimmer of hope into karlie's eyes the first time she heard YAIL.

and that, komrades, is my idea of what transpired the first time that karlie heard YAIL. i will see y'all in therapy.