When my husband and I decided to walk down the aisle, we got a lot of advice about marriage, mostly unsolicited but not strange. Everyone has to deal with this.

However, it was in this very critical period that we discovered that people offer advise based on their own experiences, and as varied as experiences can be, we began to notice conflicting perspectives on how different people managed or ‘coped’ with their marriages.

Some who have learnt from their partner’s inability to manage funds, will tell you not to fully declare your income to yours; some whose partnership thrive on master-servant dynamics, will teach how to force submission.

I do not care if these people are right or wrong, but here is my point: If you go by the advice of some ‘experienced’ persons, without proper consideration of the peculiarity of your union, you will run into troubles.

One year and a set of twins down the line, I can say pretty much that we are newbies in the game but then it has been a good ride. What matters is not how many arguments we have had, but the fact that we are growing and becoming better versions of ourselves.

These days I pay no mind to anyone who says marriage is not an achievement. When you are with a supportive partner, it will top the list of all your achievements. For me, I think I won a jackpot in the husband department.

A number of things have worked for us, and we hope will continue to work for us. First, is the WILLINGNESS of each partner to bring a hundred percent to the table rather than working strictly with a sharing formula..

Of course, one person can’t do all, but the willingness to cover up for each other lightens the burden of expectations you put on your partner and it helps you cope as a team, even on days when a party cannot bring as much.

I left my job in Lagos and moved to Abuja to join my husband after our marriage in May 2019. My priority was to get a job first but then pregnancy happened. Not one baby but two were on the way at once.

We were not prepared and I was extremely irritable (please blame it on pregnancy hormones). I felt like a liability, coming in with two additional dependents.

Even though we didn’t know where the strength and resources will come from, my husband encouraged me all the time and pushed me not to give up finding a job in my condition. And I actually got one.

He was extremely caring; cooking, cleaning and washing despite working all through the week (including Saturdays and Sundays). He downloaded all the baby apps he could find and kept a calendar to mark every week.

Sometimes we would even argue about the number of weeks gone. That time was a little rough but then we did amazing because he gave and is still giving a hundred percent.

Second, PATIENCE. Can we ever talk about it enough? I do not believe patience is something anyone can claim to have. I believe it is something we all need to keep working on.

I am not talking about the kind of patience that makes you take all forms of bullshit, but the one that helps you keep calm when you feel like spitting a rage.

The one that makes you go to bed angry till your head is clear the following morning. The one that freezes your keypad when you fill like writing a 5,000-word essay on why your partner deserves to go to hell.

You and your partner will not always be in your best behavior, so arm yourselves with patience.

Third, COMMUNICATION. It will not always be smooth like the days you were begging each other to hang up but it will always be relevant. Never be tired. Even though you will grow in marriage to begin to overlook things and feel less offended, never bottle up anger.

It builds resentment. You can wait till you are ready but still talk. Do not leave your partner guessing. Also, find what works for your marriage, not just for you. Because, trust me, there are things that are ideal for just you but won’t be good enough for your marriage.

An example is this: I used to like to thrash an issue as ‘e dey hot’ but most times I find myself saying something I regret later. While this approach was something that worked for me, in marriage I had to adjust.

Finally, FAITH. There are a lot of things you can be prepared for in marriage, but there are also a lot you will never be prepared for.

In it all, it is good when you have a partner you can hold hands in perfect submission and trust in God. This is the best recipe for cloudy days.

Thank you for reading!!!!!

F.T