tw:// rape!

#threeyearsagotoday i was raped in a traphouse basement by someone i genuinely considered a “good” friend.. after falling asleep repeatedly saying no i woke up to him fi****ing me & begged him to stop.. take a wild guess what happened next lol

this was literally the most emotionally scaring, most character forming thing that has ever happened to me.. my depression & anxiety got a million times worse, i started abusing alcohol heavily, (i was 1
month into being 17) i genuinely didnt care for my life or anyone around me-

not even my family could get through to me & i still struggle till this day forming new friendship bc im deathly afraid something like this or worse could happen again.. after 2 years of abusing drugs & alcohol to just not feel anything, im proud to say im sober.

while i never had a dependency on the drugs i was taking, im not proud to say i really enjoyed the years of trying to numb & forget about it but i realized i was putting myself at a greater risk for it to happen again especially bc i didnt trust the people i was surrounded by.

now im like idk 4 months sober (give or take) just smoking weed (for my pcos, anxiety, & insomnia) & im trying to focus more on the inner soul healing that i had been putting off for those years & its so hard bc i never processed it fully while it had happened...

honestly idk why i made this thread, probably bc i feel like i have no one to talk about this with, not that id want to, but idk i needed to get it off my chest lol been 3 years & i havent gotten the chance to explain my hurt & betrayal & how badly it effected me/made me who i am

also kills me to think this man will be somehow apart of my future... it genuinely makes me cry.. not to mention the amount of times ive thought “if i had a kid the last person seeing them is *******” i shouldnt have to think like this for a kid idek if im ever gonna have ...